October 24, 2005

  • I find myself withdrawing....it takes every energy for me right now to go out....all I want to do is stay home and chill...and think.


    I got several bonuses this past week from both jobs. More than half will go to ING....I feel like I've been saving forever...and I still don't have enough down for a house, but things happen for a reason. It's just not my time to be a homeowner.


    He said I was needy....I think we're all needy in some ways...We all need to feel connected. In the long run, I don't want to be alone...but I don't think I'm needy now compared to when he met me.  I hardly call him, write him...I've never asked him for anything...all I do is give. Thank goodness for coworker...he helped me put things into perspective. I'm still trying to figure things out though. The funniest thing he said was that for first impressions, I come off as stuck up...then he says "but once I got to know u...you're cool...you usually come in laid back"...I had to laugh about the stuck up comment though b/c I've never gotten that before! But I can see why. I'm very business when it comes to work. I rarely make small talk and chit chat about personal stuff...and majority of the time...it's because I'm shy! Seriously...I'm shy.


    I need a calling in my life! I was watching "Born into brothels" and it was so inspiring. Amazing how one person can be the catalyst to change so many lives!  Now I know I have that opportunity with the job I have. I know I've saved some lives through the years. I've prevented people from killing themselves....it's just....I guess my line of work can be more depressing tham enlightening! Maybe I should be doing something artistic....I use to be so into everything! I mean...I did claymation, drew, did arts and crafts, even had scrapbooking as a hobby....but life just....I really need to do a priority list! AND...I need a winter hobby.




    I don't want to be that person closed off from you....but I can't help it. Like I said, I've shut down cuz I don't want my words...my thoughts...my feelings used against me. A lot of my re/actions stem from my experiences with you....but another chunk of it has to do with the people I've met throughout my life....I use to be so trusting...a big sucker...


    Yet I know you're trying...I know you want to be friends. You're much more patient, but at the same time..I am not easily fooled. And though my heart is sentimental...my mind is strong and questions everything that happens (or doesn't happen)....if we are to be friends why do we hide things? You haven't done anything to earn my love....but I do love you...but this time, I love me too and I'm not going to get hurt...




    If you don't use it...you lose it. For example, when I was younger, I had perfect pitch...but my mom was so mad that I quit accordian (yep..I was a big nerd..but hey, that's when everyone and their mama was taking accordian cuz it was hot) classes...she was so mad that all that hard earned money she put on me...was wasted...but seriously..it's hard when you're 9y.o. and have to practice at 8pm...i mean, the noise wasn't pretty!!  so now...I not only can't read notes very well..I don't have perfect pitch.... alright..enough of my ramblings....until next time 

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