November 22, 2005

• I know it's been awhile since I've written. Vegas was great! I actually stayed up past 12am! Yay!!!  Avenue Q was awesome. Met a bunch of guys...but I was a good girl. I just chit chatted with them...people are so forward in Vegas...it's truly sin city!  Of course...the eyes did see a lot more than what they're willing to see...yah yah..I know it doesn't make sense..but it does to me.

  
  

  It's been a stressful few days.  I have a lot on my plate that I have to figure out what to do (again). Healthwise...I'm okay..not great...and I'll have to get back to a routine (again).  Why is it so difficult to stick to a plan sometimes? I'm thinking about cutting my hours more. Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. What is important to me? What is important in my life?  Work is great and all. It pays the bills..it allows me to do a lot of extra things without worrying so much. But there's definitely a sacrifice. The first few years it was okay, but now that I'm nearing 30 (wow...I'm old), priorities are changing again. Making money (though important) is competing with health, quality time with family and friends...and the need to finally settle down. 

  
  

  I went to Joseph's (a Greek Restaurant in Hollywood that turns into a bar/club at night) and ran into Jesse (the Director I use to date). It's been over a year since we last saw each other or even spoken to each other. He's had a tough year with several deaths in his family. 1 is hard enough, but 4 in a year? Damn. Anyway, he was saying how he was thiniking of moving to Peru and just selling whatever (like shoes)...and that he wants a family and kids. He felt like he's done everything. Followed his dreams. Was very successful..wealthy at the age of 22/23, lost most of it a few years later, etc. etc. But no matter what he pursued, he wasn't satisfied or happy. He had a successful music video debut, he had many many succesful directorial debuts...but he's not even directing right now. I told him he needs love in his life...and that moving to Peru and being a shoe salesman wouldn't satisfy him -- even if he had a family...cuz he's far too ambitious for that AND he'd want to give more if he had a family. 

  
  

  That's where I'm at right now. I've been very fortunate to have very great jobs. Fortunate to get the jobs I apply for.  Financially, I'm doing well. Socially...okay. Health...eh (could be better). So now...my focus is no longer about money, it's now my health and finding someone (and I mean..no more putting up with guys that are commitment phobes). 

  
  

  Which leads me to him. It was finally looking like things were going well with us. Our friendship going somewhere. We were finally on equal grounds. I was dating other peeps..so was he, but we were finally growing as friends....he even called me in Thailand...but he f'd up. Played a stupid game that in the end has pushed me far away from him. I miss him BUT I can't let myself get hurt like that.  He said things that I can no longer erase from my mind. If he truly sees me in that light then why would he want me in his life...and why would I want someone who's not supportive of me..who lies and hurts me?  It's one thing to admit to one's mistakes...but he's carrying on like he's done nothing...and after almost 6 years of knowing each other..he still doesn't know me.  That's why I'm stepping back. I can no longer keep trying. It's a losing battle. I love him...gosh do I love this man, but I will not accept someone in my life that doesn't care about me, know me, or understand me.  It takes a bigger person to accept what they've done wrong...and when I do something wrong, I admit to it..and I work things out with people...but I will not put up with lies, with pride, with anything or anyone that is not willing to try on their end. I am done running after them and trying to convince them that it's worth keeping. The way I see it, you want me in your life, then start acting like it.

  
  

  Okay..that's it for now.

  • 4:53 am
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