January 11, 2007

• True Luv

  I've said it so many times to him, but I haven't said it in a long time.  It kinda just came out....and I couldn't take it back. That question...."would you take a bullet for me" echoed?? Would I?  A few years ago, the answer would undoubtedly be "yes"....and as I sat looking at him, I stopped and said "I don't know what I'd do".

  I've only heard him (well....believed him) once. I heard him say it before but I knew the implication to those words...yes, as a friend. But tonight, it was raw and honest....

  I love you.

  There's so many meanings to it. I wish I knew an old married couple and ask them questions about the meaning of love. I wish I could ask my parents, but I've never had that type of relationship with them...and it's not my style to ask them.  If my grandmother was still alive, I would definitely ask her what love means in a relationship.

  Love. I know what that is and how it feels when it comes to my friends and family. But loving a man....I don't know what to say to that. I mean, can you still truly love someone if you've gone through so much hurt with that person? It's that whole, "yes I love you, but I love me more"...and if that's the case, then can you really love that person? 

  I wish we could've met at better times in our lives....or at least he was in a better mindset than when I first met him. I think he's become a better person to me as the years have passed, but I don't know if there's such a thing as "starting over" with that person that you once loved so much.

  I love him.

  But...yes...there's a but.

  But I can't. I am not willing to give my heart. He's like my dear friend and we can talk BS together...but I am just not willing to get hurt again. I know he loves me. Why else are we still there for each other. I know if I really needed help, he'd be there. But he wouldn't be the first person I'd call.

  I didn't ask "what does this mean" afterwards. I'm sure what we said to each other lingered in our heads.  Whispered deeply to our hearts. I told him...if only we were at this place in our lives when we met. Things would've been different.

  I see my friends' concerned looks and frustration when I think about tonight. "Don't fall back Karen"is all the warning I keep hearing from past conversations with them..."he is not good for you". But with all the bad (and believe me, they are more memorable than the good)...there's so much good. 

  But he is not the one. I believe that if someone really loved you, he won't intentionally hurt you. If someone really loved you, they would add to your happiness and make you feel secure about that relationship. You'd know. I mean, I know he loves me..but maybe the love he feels is more of a "I know you're a great person and I don't want to lose you....I love you....more as a friend, but less than what it means to be in a relationship".

  I have to rent "Like Water for Chocolate" again. Maybe there's something I can get out of it. See...I'm thinking too much about what was said...when I shouldn't. Truly...if he loves me, I'd know..he'd show it..he'd try to win my heart again and gain my trust. Am I even making sense?

  And if I truly love him...would I have all these issues...reservations? And I'd let him know too, but I guess I am just too weary. I've done that before and each time, I've been the one with the broken heart.  Things will go well for like 2 weeks, then he'll push away, say hurtful things, do hurtful things...and I'm back heartbroken again...and I can't do that. I am not willing to do that.

  Right now, just being friends is good. Right now.....this is how it should be.

  • 5:32 am
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