May 1, 2007

• Trying to uplift myself

  This weekend was very busy. Saturday I got up at 8am and went to the gym for that weight class. Damn, I was hurting (still am).  I then went back home and got ready b/c I had to meet up with the bridal party crew. Met up with them for lunch, then went to see the bride get fitted. She looked beautiful (of course). If I ever get married, I don't think I'll wear white. There was this woman at the store getting fitted. It was a gold/light bronze dress. Strikingly beautiful on her. Looked like a wedding dress, then we found out, she bought a bridesmaid dress instead. I would've never guessed. She looked magnificent.  After the fitting, I went to Coldstones for some coffee lovers ice cream...when I went to my car, found a freakin' ticket. $40 for a freakin' parking violation! Not surprisingly (and I seriously was looking for the sign) the sign was hiding behind a tree...so I didn't know I had only 90 minutes there. Oh well..because of that, I didn't go and get my nails done.

  Met up w/ Trish at Acupulco (of course I end up going to El Torito first)! Finally got to the right restaurant. Shared dinner w/ Trish, Nikki and Gray...drank a bit...and had our meal paid for b/c Nikki had the hookup and we just had to pay for tip. I then went to the valley to hang out with K.

  Sunday got up and headed to my aunt's place. I was meeting my mom there b/c we had plans to see some houses. Turned out two of my other aunts were coming by and they were having a BBQ. My aunt took me to her church. She was Catholic before, but converted. I believe she's Born Again. She asked if I wanted to go...I really didn't want to, but said "yes" cuz she's family. Went to church with her. It was interesting. I can see why she converted. I didn't like the message they were saying though. The congregation was mostly Filipinos, but there were a few Hispanics and white peeps there. The pastor started talking and would speak in Tagalog...and said something about Sept 11 and how the "white face" is no longer safe in the world and the "brown skin" is the new "in thing"...I wanted to get up and leave. It was so insulting to me. I disagreed on a lot of the things he was using to help his sermon. Basically his main point is that the devil is under us and we can wish him away b/c we are above the devil (ok, I can accept this) and to spread the word of Jesus Christ to those territories who don't know him..those that aren't born again (this bothers me too, having grown up Catholic, I don't go to mass hearing this type of talk at all -- especially about converting people to the "right religion"..I have something against this type of talk...it bothers me)...quite honestly, for most of the sermon I was either lost or disagreed. For a moment, I felt like he was just speaking to hear himself speak..and it didn't help that I no longer speak or understand too much Tagalog. I stood there watching and my aunt prayed for me...I started to tear up. I've never had anyone pray for me. Maybe my parents and grandmother, but never really outright infront of me.I stood there trying to hold my tears....

  Honestly, I've been holding back a lot of pain inside. As successful as I am, I feel like a failure. I've worked so hard to put back all the broken pieces of myself a few years back, but I still feel like something is missing. I will admit that the recent events w/ Barcopa has got me feeling more vulnerable than usual. I am disappointed. As usual, I tend to internalize everything. Wondering what I did wrong to have this sudden change of heart? But I don't see anything....I wonder if I was needy, but if saying "I miss you and I hope to hang out with you this weekend" is needy..then I think that's f'd up.  I know I don't like someone easily. I rarely give my heart out, but I manage to always like the wrong person....and it's not like I'm choosing the same guys...at least I don't think so, but...wtf am i doing wrong? I choose guys that are "gentlemen" at first. They pay for the first date, they open doors, they seem interested in knowing more about you. Take Barcopa for example, he remembered conversations days before (letting me know he was paying attention), he'd text me every morning and if I text him, I'd get a reply usually less than 1 minute later. This time around I went for someone who had a degree. Someone who lived in a very nice area of town (I mean, with K, he was living w/ his mom when I first met him...with G, he had roommates, you get the drift)...here's this guy who seems to have his sh*t going for him, close to his parents (his parents are still married and he sees them every weekend)...and yet, somehow it failed. What am I doing wrong? I can't help but start feeling like it's me...I' m beginning to have a complex about this. I try to hold back my feelings...I don't open up easily any longer...I rarely cry...sh*t I won't even let myself dwell on anything too long...the moment I start feeling sad for me, I just push those feelings aside and move on, keep myself busy. But I am so getting tired of this. I do feel my heart has a breaking point and I'm trying really hard not to be jaded again. It took me years to finally get to where I felt really good about myself. That's a long time. It took me that long to finally let people in and get to know me again. It took me this long to being okay with being me...being single...being where I am...and I can feel myself closing up again. Retreating back to the negative thoughts of "i'm just not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc. etc." The thing is...this time around, I'm not turning to my friends. I just don't want them to see me this way. I don't want them to see me cry...because no one can help me here.  When I think about it, I had my doubts with Barcopa after one of our dates where he didn't meet me half way with the movie..it was his choice, period. I had doubts, but they were such petty things that I was willing to overlook it and actually wanted to learn more about him. But here we are.

  This is how i'm feeling right now. I hope I don't stay here for too long. I hope I find my way out. I feel like I pray and pray and ask but it's hasn't been answered yet...or maybe it has. Maybe I'm meant to be alone in this world. So that whatever it is I'm suppose to do in this life, there won't be anyone to hold me back??

  Well...it's almost 2am here and I need to get some zzzz in. Hopefully my next entry will be better....

  • 4:44 am
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