December 4, 2007

• Driving to work tonight I was thinking about a moment in my life where I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to die.  I had no intentions of killing myself, but the pain I felt inside was so strong that I seriously dropped 20 lbs in a month.  I remember crying myself to sleep every night and not being able to function at work.  I remembered that one incident and even though it was a long time ago, I still felt that pain like it was yesterday.  When I really have to stop and think about it, it amazes me how one person can hurt someone that deeply. The disregard that person had for my feelings. The utter hate that person showed to me through actions that still leave a sour taste in my memory.

  I realize I've come a long way. It's been many years ago since that event. I have been wiser with my choice of friends. Learned that it's okay to walk away when you are hurting.  Greatful that I am still optimistic enough to feel that there is someone there for me. 

  I've been working a lot lately. Trying to workout. Trying to find "me" time.  I'm not getting any younger and although i don't feel my age, I do feel my time is short on this earth and I definitely want to find what makes me happy.  Money makes things easy, but having all the money in the world definitely wouldn't make me happy.  I think having love...having someone to share my life with, a good challenging job, great friends, loving family and the funds to travel the world would definitely be my ultimate goal. For many people, it's work. To be at the top, but that's never been me. It's definitely not a bad thing to want to be at the top of the ladder with work, but it's just not for me.  Having been a latchkey kid and not hearing my parents say "I love you" for majority of my young life...I always knew that's not what I wanted for my kids. Maybe I take after my grandmother. She was the matriarch of her family. She worked, but she made sure that everyone knew she loved her kids (and grandkids) even more. They came first.  I know my parents love me, they say it now.  The way I see it, they worked hard for the big man to support their kids, but at the same time they also lost a lot of "quality" time because they were so busy working for the big man who in the end didn't give much back.  Don't get me wrong, i don't want a low paying job. I was a starving student once and living paycheck to paycheck is not fun (can't really enjoy life either when there's luxuries you want but can't afford or heck paying the bills so there's a roof over your head). I definitely don't want to go backwards either.  

  The way I see it, I have a great job right now. It's challenging. It's not always the same thing every day. I have responsibilities i enjoy having and I'm rewarded accordingly with my salary and what-not.  I may not be mingling with the CEO, but I'm happy.  So I got the job thing. I got the friends thing. I got the family thing. Now if I can just figure out how the heck do I start working on the love thing.

  I don't know what the future holds for me and Parisian guy, but I'm keeping that open.  So far our chats online have been very promising, but I think I will know for sure when I see him again in June. I'm keeping my options open.

  So the holidays....this year I think the only gifts I'm buying are for my immediate family and the annual x-mas santa that we have with our clan. For work, I'll be baking this year.  no little trinkets. the funny part about me giving trinkets (i.e. drinking menu cards, ornamental soaps, etc) is that I don't like getting trinkets myself.  I tell my friends every year that I don't need candles, lotion from Bath & Body, basically anything that's going to collect dust.  As I get older, it's about spending quality time versus getting gifts (gifts are fun and all, but right now, I don't need anything that I can't buy myself).  I have enough purses, shoes, lotions, make-up, etc. etc. that I can ever want right now (well, I wouldn't mind some corningwear products...but I digress). So this year, it's a nice lunch/dinner w/ my friends. I think it's better like that.    

  • 5:38 am
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