My pre-birthday celebration this past weekend went by and I had a blast. It was small compared to previous years, but this year I was able to party it up and actually talk to them!!  I had a great time...and now that The Room in Hollywood is open...it's very awesome..the only thing I think they should change is the DJ! What I liked about the old room was the fact that it was a dive bar!! I don't want it to have a Starshoes quality b/c The Room is known for it's underground hip hop, reggae, jazzy beats!

So K called me today. His baby's momma died this weekend. I was in shock. I've met her when K and I were roommates/living together. She was so young and she left behind an 8 year old son. Even though we didn't talk afterwards, I felt such sadness b/c she would never see her son grow up to be a man. Her son was the one that found her body. K is a mess (rightly so) b/c everything in his life has to change. Hopefully this will change him and make him become a better person. I know he's used to people leaving his life...people separating (b/c that's what he witnessed as a child), but I think this is the first time that he's had someone close to him die.  Hopefully he realizes that what you do (or don't do) here on earth really can affect those around you. It's been awhile since I've had someone I know die unexpectedly. The feeling of helplessness....I wish I could do more for him, but I can't. 

This year I've been trying to distance myself from K.  It has been a very good decision for me.  I finally came to that point where I loved myself more than him...and although we've remained friends, it's not the same. He was very vague of the reason for her death. All I know is that it was definitely unexpected. They knew she was sick, but not that she was going to die. That to me is tragic. You never get to say "good-bye" or "I love you". I was watching a documentary a few weeks ago (post 9-11 event)...I can't remember the title...it was something like "telling tim"...anyway, it was about a family trying to tell this little boy that his mom died from the World Trade Center event....in one scene, a brother of one of the victims (who was muslim) said something very touching that I will always remember "When you love someone, tell them you love them everytime you/they leave the house b/c you never know if they/you are coming back".  I will say that when my grandmother died....I am glad I was able to say "i love you" when we left her to go to school. Those were my last words to her and today when I visit my parents and go back home, I always tell them that I love them (even on the phone). 

When growing up, my parents never said those words a lot. I never hear it often. My friend, Neliza, got me started on saying those words. When we would talk on the phone and say good bye, she's always end with "i love you"...and it was weird at first, but I started saying that to my close friends. The way I grew up not hearing those words somehow made me feel like you only can feel that way when you have a significant other. I remember my mom use to say "they know how I feel". It took some understanding to realize that her generation probably heard it less than me.  So it does take awhile to say it. But if you really care about someone and they mean something in your life, it's always good to say those words (even once in awhile).

On to another topic....

I have a few friends from Burma (Myanmar)....and having visited a small section of the place (close to the border of Thailand), I am sad to hear what's going on there. My heart aches for the people of Burma. They are one of the most beautiful people I've seen.  I know my close friend (she lives in CA) has many relatives there and I am just glad that she is safely here, but she visits Myanmar every year and does prayer retreats for many days there. It's sad what's happening there and it's brave people like the Monks and other protestors that allow us to be aware that there's so much more going on in this world.

Heck, it's even in our neighboring states...check out Jena Six....the injustice. You would think at this day and age that racisim doesn't exist. I mean, we all know it exist. Being a person of color and female, you know it does...it's just has a different face. But to have it outright like this??!!! It's a sad sad case in our 21st century world.

As you can see, I've been thinking a lot. Reading a lot of things online. I try to watch the news, but I do get a lot of my news online nowadays. 

So this Thursday, I'll be in NY!! I'll take a little rest from the events of the world (but just a little break)...i will definitely pray for those in Myanmar and the injustices around the world.  

It sure feels like this month just flew by.  I must admit, I feel so disorganized right now. I have so much to do, but very little time.  I'm 18 pages away from finishing my Paris scrapbook. At first I was doing 2 pages a day, now I've hit a road block and can't seem to get myself to be creative enough to complete a page.  I have two movies I want to finish and return, but I'm too tired to even watch it...not to mention that I still have to look at what's on my DVR.  I have clothes I need to donate to Goodwill.  I have paperwork I need to sort and decide what to do with them (file, trash, shred). I'm running out of space in this room I rent. Then...let's not mention that my friends want to celebrate my 30+ years here on earth before I leave for NY...and I finally sent an email out  yesterday for those who can make it to dinner this weekend.  I have to go to my parents place to pick up luggage. Get eyebrows & nails done.  Pack for NY. Get rid of any food that can rot while I'm gone.

Right now, all I do is go to work. Workout right after work. Have dinner and go to sleep so I can go to this night job. I know that if I didn't have this night job, I wouldn't feel so stressed out.  I'd actually be doing things and finishing up what I need to finish up instead of trying to get some sleep in before I go to work for the night.  I know I will have to eventually quit this job. I hate to say it cuz I really like the extra money and the perks of having my healthcare paid for...but I'm overdue to quit.  I just can't b/c that would mean I'd have to live on a tight budget, probably cut down on my travelling (which I really don't want to do), decrease money into my retirement fund (sigh). What to do, what to do.  I say this now...but I do recall why i started working so much to begin with...I was bored!

I went to San Diego this weekend. It was fun to spend some time with Ro. Me, Ro, Jayson and Diana went to the SD Zoo to see the ceremonial site for their "wedding".  I think it'll be a fun event and I like semi casual events...and they plan on having lots of activities to do...so I'm looking forward to this.

I plan on going to Madrid and Paris in May 2008 (after all the weddings in April & May)!  Speaking of weddings, I am "best girl" for my friend's ceremonial commitment.  That means I am in charge of planning the bachelor party. I already know that I will be treating him to mani/pedi the day before his wedding to his partner of 4 years. As for the bach party, I think i will take him to the spa, dinner w/ friends and just to mix it up a bit...party at a straight club. I'm also thinking of calling Diana (Jayson's sister) to see what she thinks of throwing a ceremonial shower. 

In April, I have Maclan's & Ro's wedding. My cousin is also getting married, but I'll have to miss it b/c it's the same time as Ro's wedding. In May is Angelica's wedding. In September, my other cousin's wedding (and I'm one of her bridesmaids).  What does this all mean?? It means I have to keep my calendar free from March through May....and August through September. No travelling those times. 

As for NY...I'm so glad Trisha is coming b/c it turns out the rest of the crew only want to shop and eat and go clubbing. The other 3 have no interests in sight seeing...claiming they've been there, done that. Which disappoints me b/c I would think they'd like to still show us around (that was the whole reason for going). But I think Trish and I will have a wonderful time exploring on our own. I have a feeling we will not be going out a lot as a group...which is fine with me. I already know that I will not be "partying" as much since I do prefer sleeping over partying nowadays.  The only thing I know for sure I want to do is go see a Broadway play. My cousin says I should go see Statue of Liberty (and some other landmarks).  I guess Trish and I will figure it all out.  Well..that's all for now. Hope everyone is doing well.

My 21 year old brother left the house without warning. He had an argument with the folks. My parents (especially my mom) is frustrated because he leaves the house without telling them where he's going and what time he's coming back, he didn't sign up for college classes this semester and is only working at the fast food joint and he's not being responsible or respectful to them. In return, my parents pay for his cell phone, car insurance and give him a weekly allowance. They take care of his car whenever there's something wrong (without him trying to put effort on learning what to do) and they even gas it up for him when he has no money to gas up. 

My brother wants a new car. My dad wants to give him money by taking out from his 401. My mom is upset because she feels my dad is just rewarding him for bad behavior. My brother feels that he already missed signing up for this semester (told them that he will sign up next semester). My mom, who speaks rather sternly and my brother (who is somewhat sensitive) got into it. She wanted to tell him that they will help once he signs up for classes, but it came off to my brother that he wasn't going to get any help at all. 

I know I will have to be the one to talk to him. I do worry about him. Last thing I want is to be financially supporting him when the folks are no longer here. My dad's siblings are already doing that with an uncle and it is a big fear to my mom that my youngest brother will turn up like my uncle.  I also worry about that too. I'm just letting things cool down before I talk to him. 

This was my weekend.

We did have one good Saturday night though. The whole family (including one of my other brother's girlfriend) went to see Wicked. It was awesome! I think a lot of women will respond positively to the play because it's so girly. The beautiful costumes, the music, the little love story, popularity in high school....it was really really good! Of course many modifications from the book, but definitely well worth watching!

There are a few things in my life that I wish I had done but did not do. I wish I had stayed a few days with Carlos in Hawaii instead of going back to turn in a paper.  Second, studied abroad. Third, spent more time with my grandmother before she died cuz she was hella cool.

So why am I bringing this up?  He asked me to move to Paris and live with him! WTF! This whole thing is crazy and at this point, I have no clue what the heck I am doing.  First off, I don't even speak French but to say "hello", "thank you" "good bye" "it's me" "I am called"...the very basics.

Maybe I'm just a romantic at heart and maybe I just don't want to wonder "what if"...but maybe I should take this opportunity to do something so unlike me! Maybe!! I dunno!

Then the reasonable part takes over. What will I do in Paris? What job can I get? If I'm moving there...then it'll be because he is the one. Is he the one? Especially when we can barely understand each other? Is he really the one?

Then there's hapa. Although he does not want a serious relationship right now, he's off buying me stuff wherever he goes. Yes, he has more of the qualities I'm looking for in terms of the material stuff...and he is more physically my type...and we understand each other. But but but.....

But he's not meeting me emotionally. Which is what Kam is doing. I don't even understand him, but I know he's a good guy. He's sweet and maybe it's because he's European...he's more intune with being romantic. I dunno!

WTF am I doing? Slowly...is the only answer I have.  What am I going to do??

I didn't make it to work the next day afterall. I was too drugged up and in pain to even make it to work! The pain has been decreasing though. Still some pain, but at least I'm no longer taking 4 vicodins a day...down to one in the morning and one at night...and just using advil. I will say...these pain drugs are freakin' powerful! It's no wonder how some people can get addicted to them.

Before I forget, a few moments of silence for those victims of 9-11.  I still remember where I was when I heard the news. I couldn't decide if this was a joke or not...and as I drove to work, I remember thinking, "what the F am I doing driving towards downtown"!!!  The only things accomplished has been a war that at first seemed right, but now just so wrong....endless war that seems to have no point.

All I know...before they start changing presidents, I have to call my investments and go conservative for at least the first year! Hopefully within that 4 years of the new presidency...I will be able to buy a house. Glad I didn't buy it when it was "booming" cuz now I see the effects and it's not pretty! People can't even get refinancing. I'm just gonna continue on saving until I am able to put a down. Travel a bit and take some classes here and there.

It's been a good day so far. I am happy. Looking forward to my trip in October!! New York here we come!! Nothing too exciting to mention right now. Hapa is around...have not seen him in 3 weeks though.  Kam...I speak to everyday I'm at Cedars. I'm learning more about him. Since I did not come to work Friday, when he saw me today, he said something about how he missed me and that 5 days was way too long!! LOL....cute. 

aight...that's it for now. nothing exciting to report!

When it comes to hot weather, all I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to eat because I am too hot to eat!  Today, I spent a few hours working on my Paris scrapbook.  Then I went with my cousin to LACC to show her around campus since she's starting her French class this week. We had lunch (my dinner as well) at Kowloon (cheap filipino food) and when we got home, I attempted to work on my scrapbook again, but I was too tired and sleepy. Something about the heat just takes so much energy from me.

So a few things on my mind. First work.  There's this guy that was admitted today because he tried to electrocute himself. He is badly burned right now. Why did he do this? He lost his job, going into foreclosure and his family moved back to their country (and they don't plan on coming back) and he's just feeling very hopeless.  I don't know about you, but if I was married and my family moved to another country (and plan on not coming back to the states) and I lost my job and home...my first thought wouldn't be to hurt myself. If I really wanted to stay in Cali, I would look for another job. BUT since I know family is very important to me...and there was really nothing here for me (i.e. no reason for me to stay in Cali), I'd go where my family moved to and basically start over.  Maybe it's because I come from a family of immigrants...and when things were bad and life was hard or they had other dreams they wanted to pursue but couldn't do it where they were, they just moved and tried their luck in the good ole USA (some of course tried their luck in Canada, Australia, Taiwan).  It saddens me to see that this guy could not see other alternatives (besides trying to kill himself).  If there's one thing I've learned, you can always try to reinvent yourself...your life.

This past week A was texting me everyday. Does it mean something if he texts me while he is at work in Vegas? Does it mean he really cares and thinks of me...or he's just bored?  Now it's the weekend...and I have not heard from him.  I know I like him and want to get to know him better...and if he asked me to be his gf, I'd probably say yes. But the other part of me questions our compatability.  I don't even now if I'll be speaking to him in a month.  A big part of me is trying to just distance myself, but everytime I do that, he's contacting me in one form or another, and I get sucked back in.  He's probably not the one because I am still not comfortable talking to him.  He has many qualities I am looking for in a person I'd like to date seriously, but at the same time....there's certain things that pushes me away....and honestly, I just really don't want to waste any more time. 

This week I get one of my wisdom tooth pulled! I am hoping it won't hurt at all and I will be able to go to work the next day!  I really don't want to take any more PTO if I can.  I have New York next month...and Paris in May...and I'm hoping to squeeze in Hawaii in the summer as well, but only time can tell.

Well...gonna go and watch some movies...thank goodness for netflix!

I find myself distancing from him.  I just don't get it. Why is it easy to get someone from across the ocean writing me, sending me texts (and we don't even know each other's languages fluently), telling me he misses me, etc. etc....and I can't even get this boy who lives 15 minutes away from me to offer anything significant?

What is it with LA guys? I've been seeing him/dating him since St. Patrick's Day. He was the one that pursued me...called me every day...etc. etc. Now, I can't even get him to make definite plans with me. The perk of not having a serious relationship is that I can meet someone without feeling guilty....and so, that's what I'm doing. Granted, he's miles away, but at least I can romanticize the whole thing!

He's trying his best to get a Visa (he has to meet w/ the consular's office to determine if he can get that waived) to visit me before the New Year. He's really trying to come down in October. He already knows I plan on going back in May.  I don't think this is going to go anywhere, but at least for now, it's something I need and want.  Realistically, it's not like I'm going to move to France...or vice versa.  But right now, the attention is great. It's what I need. He lives so far from me, but he puts in the effort to go online pratically everyday that I'm at work so we can talk to each other. I'm trying to learn French, but it's hard for me. I find Spanish a whole lot easier (and I even think Italian would be easier because you say it as it looks)...French is so throaty for me, it's hard, but I'm trying.

If there's anything I've learned, there's plenty of men out there. I once had a grad student (while I was a Freshmen at USC) tell me...if you want romance, date a European. She wasn't kidding!  I'm now officially a Euro-fan!! They are so expressive, so romantic...it's seriously hard not to fall for them. I'm sure there are guys in LA that can be romantic, but they are few and rare.  I have single girlfriends that have their sh*t together. Smart, pretty, nice, good values...and they are single! Why is that?!!  Why can't men here want that romance? I have this girlfriend that's model material...but she decided to be a doctor of some sort....so she has a good job. But her husband couldn't make her happy (b/c he took her for granted). He seriously had it made! He didn't have to work. Everyone called her "MILF"...and all he had to do was be there for her, but he couldn't! He was too busy being selfish. Now he's lost her for good. So she's single. Independent. Smart. Beautiful...but she can't get a man to date her seriously! WTF!  I have plenty of girlfriends that are cute, single, funny, nice, smart...independent....and LA guys just are too dumb to commit.

I may not have the model's body. I am on the chunkier side, but I'm a good person....I'm surrounded by good friends and family. I'm independent...and I'm very giving when I like someone....and yet I can't get the men that I date to commit. WTF?!!  I do think a part of me is a bit of a commitment-phobe. I know in the past that when things seem okay, I try to push that person away...but it was because I didn't love that person as much as he loved me.  I pray that one day I will find that person that gets me. I pray that I will be just as lucky as my friends who have men in their lives that adore them and get them. 

So what am I doing? Paris or LA?  Can I have both if there's no commitment to either one??? I guess this will be determined when Paris visits.

All I needed was a vacation!! I'm back. Rejuvenated. 

So we left for Paris on a Thursday. Our shuttle picked us up at 3:30am to make it for our 6:00 flight. Ivory didn't get any sleep, but I sure did!  I made sure to pack the night before and all I had to do was clean my room (which didn't take too long). At the airport, we had breakfast....waited for an hour and were the first to board. Our lay over was in Philly and we had to have their Phillycheese steak! Ivory forgot to mail a bill. Apparently LAX removed all their post office box. Thank goodness we found a spot in Philly. 

We had a great time in Paris. Made friends we will probably have for many years to come. We'd stay up late talking to our concierge, Franck. He spoke very good English and says he learned it by listening to rap music. That's pretty awesome. I picked up a few french words. The basics, but since we plan on going back next May, I plan on taking a class to better communicate with my friends. 5 days just isn't enough time. We saw plenty, but missed one entire wing of the Lourve because they were closing before we could finish. We didn't make it to D'Orssay (i know, i spelled it wrong) or La Defense for that fact.  We didn't even make it to a club!  But we had a blast. Our hotel, at first was a shock to me.  I was going to "kill" our travel agent when I thought he had booked a hotel at a shady part of Paris. We were in the Red Light District of Paris!! But since Moulin Rouge is just 2 blocks away from our hotel, turned out there were plenty of tourists there and actually a very good nightlife! We were also very close to Sacre Coure.

Our first night, we walked around Pigalle to find something to eat. I noticed this guy walking the opposite direction looking at me. My cousin and I continued to walk until we felt the block up ahead was way too dark to walk through. So we turned around and somehow managed to catch up with the guy that looked at me. He turned around to his surprise to see me then he started talking to his friend.  He turns back to me and says "bonjour"...and I reply "bonjour" as well. He spoke no English. I spoke no French. But our friends spoke a little bit of the other's native tongue. So we chatted for a bit.  They were headed out to a bar to drink. We were headed out to get something to eat. They ended up taking us to this little restaurant and we had vino. They paid for our drinks and they wanted to take us to Sacre Coure, but we told them we had to be back to the hotel by 1am because they closed the doors. They walked us back to the hotel. We exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up the next day for some dinner and dancing.

I'm not going to go through details of each day I spent in Paris. But we did spend a good chunk of time w/ the guys. A big chunk of time talking w/ Franck. We also met a couple from England and we went to see some places with them as well. I met a drunk Aussie who lived in Switzerland. I found him amusing but everyone else did not want to be with him because he was rather abrasive and rude...and basically drunk.  We'd say hello to the Russian guy who was visiting Paris with his wife (his wife was apparently upset with him for 2 days upon arrival but on the 3rd day, we actually saw them together).  I met another guy who told me he loved me that day he met me! I lost weight in Paris because I wasn't eating much. I'm not a big bread, cheese or wine person....well, I'm actually a wine person now! But for the rest, it was hard for me to find something appetizing! 

I wrote sloppily on a journal so I wouldn't forget what I did that day and who I met.

The only mishap is that we missed our flight from Paris to Milan. We had to pay extra.

Milan was wonderful but for a city that's known for the fashion, shopping and food....things sure closed early! I'd want to spend a few more days there the next time I go. Actually in Italy, I want to make sure I have a significant other to travel with.  My favorite city was Florence. My favorite hotel was in Venice. Venice is exactly what everyone says it is, romantic! There's no much I still wish I could do in Italy...I felt like we missed out on a lot! I would've loved to see an opera at the famous Opera House in Milan. The highlight of Milan was seeing the Last Supper. It's absolutely magnificent! Da Vinci is a genius! Seeing it in person truly moved me! I did not expect that.  In Florence, I would also like to spend a few more days there and also do a day trip to Pisa. I'd also make sure we got a museum pass so we could see David. I heard once you see David....nothing else can compare!  We saw the Piti Palace from the outside, but could not get in because the day that we were in Florence was the day most museums were closed. Every church (with the exception of one) requires donation/entrance fee because the churches there are like museums. They exhibit art work from famous artists (don't ask me their names b/c it escapes me right now). Food in Italy was great! But after 12 days of pizza, salad, pasta, lasagna, pizza, salad, pasta, lasagna...that Chinese restuarant around the corner of our hotel in Rome started to sound good!! Definitely not as good as the Chinese restaurants in LA, but I'm going to give them a break b/c I'm sure finding the ingredients, etc. they need must be a tad bit difficult.  I loved Italy, with the exception of pushy Italian men who don't know how to take "no" for an answer, but not all of them are like that!

That's my trip in a nutshell. I had a great time!

I came back at 12:00am to the apartment. Slept for 6 hours and got up to go to work.  Every night of that week I had something to do! I helped my friend Cheryl for her wedding (it was this past Saturday). Went to my parents one night to see them and have dinner w/ friends who were going back to Michigan that weekend (they were planning on a get together last Friday night, but I had rehearsal dinner to attend). 

Cheryl & Geoff's wedding was a blast! It helps to have unlimited alcohol throughout the night! Okay, more like unlimited vino throughout the night and one type of vodka. If you wanted specialty drinks, you paid extra for that!  It's the first week that I'm working back-to-back again. I'm okay for now. It helps that I know I'll be on vacation for a week in October!! So yeah...life is pretty good right now!

So it's been awhile since I wrote anything significant. Life is just happening right now.

I got a little caught up with working so much that I basically had to take a break. Relax and just enjoy some rest. Every weekend has been activity-filled...and by next week, I'm off to France & Italy.  I'm looking forward to this vacation. It'll be really nice (and I'll be very busy the next few days). I'm not sure if i'll be able to get internet access where I'm going (cuz I'm on a budget), so I'm just trying to make sure all my bills are paid.  Make sure I don't leave any little details behind (like getting my bridesmaids dress this week), getting money exchanged here and not in Europe b/c it's way cheaper here to exchange it. Call my credit card companies so they know I'll be in Europe....

All these obligations and...I'm just trying to get by right now.

As for love life...it's on hold....for awhile...I guess while I'm going on vacation...so will my love life. ha!

I'm so bored today (after reading up on the sad news of the Benoit family --> i don't watch WWE, but it's still sad, watching some will farrell website w/ a cute baby saying funny lines, myspace, E.L.F. (cosmetics) website, my friends' Fred & Lonny's website, tmz.com)...I'm actually reading 7-eleven's website! OMG! someone kick me!! so bored that i'm trying to see what they serve in their convenience store. 45 more minutes and I get to go home...and crash before I go to work tonight. I'll be off tomorrow night...so I seriously can't wait for that!

I sent hapa an email. It was a good email. Hopefully I didn't scare him but I wanted to clarify things and well...I did get a text message...don't know if it was before or after he read my email..but hopefully it was after...and that would be a good thing (sigh)...i'll know for sure when he returns.