Last night at the abbey...we saw Jackie (and crew) from Workout! They are really pretty people. heehee. I went out w/ a few friends, but crashed early. Just so tired...not enough sleep...not enough energy. I need to find a way to get the energy back!

Keeping options open....that's what I'm doing now. Fortunately I have friends to keep me busy  Strangely I have guy friends calling out of nowhere wanting to hang out...so it's nice to just keep busy....i'll write a better bloq later.

I know lately my bloq haven't been filled with much thought. Sometimes I think so much I just don't want to write it down or even think about it any longer. Sometimes I just want to keep busy with other things so I can avoid coming back into "my life" to focus on the things that really bother me.

Oh here we go...I feel my rant....

It bothers me that I feel like I have everything I can truly want except for a place to call "i own". It bothers me that I work so much and get so tired...and I can't decide to give it up working the night job or not b/c I prefer travelling and not worrying about living paycheck to paycheck as I use to before. It bothers me that I feel I have a great job, loving family and friends, an education...but can't seem to figure out why my love life is practically non-existent. It bothers me that as much as I want a nice guy for a boyfriend (there's more qualities I'm looking for of course), I don't go for the right guys and continue to fall for the ones that seem nice at first, but in the end...disappoint me. It bothers me that when the housing market was affordable, I had a crappy job and couldn't afford the house....now that I have a decent job, I still can't afford the house b/c the housing market (despite the trend of prices going down instead of up) I still can't afford a house...or even a freakin' condo (which I really don't want to live in really).  You would think that I would at least be able to control one thing in my life...my weight...and yet, I can't seem to get a grasp of that either. I know, everyone's taste is different....and maybe my views are a little whack, but I do feel skinny women have more luck...and if you're beautiful, you have an edge...and if you're nice and smart, even better! Of course, it doesn't guarantee that the guy will not "screw you over".....but things come easier (I truly believe that...just like the saying "blondes have more fun")...I do believe beautiful people have it easier...same with rich people...and I do believe that they also have other problems than those without could never understand either....nevertheless, if i had the choice...i'd like to be pretty and rich instead of ugly and poor.

so i prayed....and asked that if his intentions weren't there...to have him disappear...and what happens...he's doing that...go figure....

lately things have been bothering me...warning signs.

fact that he turned down me making dinner on a weekday..said it would be easier on a weekend. I told him to let me know which day was better...he never set a date....

another thing..after pointing out it's been a month.....he doesn't acknowledge by saying nothing about it.

he doesn't tell me how he feels....if he misses me...

disappointed...that's how i feel...but i will bounce back...as they say..other possibilities out there...

Lately I've been getting phone calls where I really have seriously almost lost my patience or temper. Overall I think I'm great at what I do. I try to be empathetic to the patients that show up and to the ones that make calls...but lately, people are (and I know I'm not PC for saying this) but heck...more crazy than usual. Last week, I had to handle racist clients on the phone....their generalizations on black people, Asian people and Jews just dropped my jaws to the floor for a bit. I kept thinking, "I can't believe I'm listening to this crap"....

The people calling have been really functioning on a very low baseline from my own opinion. Sad to say but I'm losing patience. I'm sorry that I'm not a psychic and can't tell you how long it'll take you to ween off a prescription medication you've been taking for 40 years and if you'll still be in withdrawals after your discharge! Common sense would tell me that everyone's body is different. How can a doctor give you a specific answer to that question?!  It's ridiculous...and hello!! It's usually a big HINT when the doctors you've called and even your own Psychiatrist can't answer that question at all! Yes people...doctors...people in the health field don't always have answers to your questions.

The more we improve technologically....the more problems we seem to have. We look at 3rd world countries and think we're better but...look at the issues we face! We are big time polluters in this world, we have people addicted to drugs, we have obesity issues, heart disease, cancer....it's depressing..daunting...

And I'm losing patience. I know we have sick patients..mental patients that aren't completely there...it's hard sometimes for me to converse when they are so sick....and yet, what I can't stand is stupidity. Patients like those who make racist comments...or insist they know that a program exist (when I know 100% it doesn't), patients who want to know the exact amount they'll have to pay (when I clearly tell them I'm not the one collecting the payments or charging them...so why would I know what amount they would have to pay?)...I just tell them the percentage they are responsible for...I can only give estimates. 

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Then there's the issue w/ being a bad bridesmaid. What I really feel is this....if you are spending the money on the materials and shoes, etc...don't we get a little say? It's like..."my way or the high way"..and it sucks...and it's not fun for me..and I just can't deal with it. 

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On a good note....I booked New York today!! So it'll be France & Italy in late July early August. Then New York in October.

Things w/ Barcopa guy is going....where? Not sure..but it's going....and hopefully somewhere instead of nowhere.

So i've had the "stuffy ears"..yes....my ears are congested (it feels like how my ears get when I'm going up high altitude and can't get the equilibrium on my ears to happen) since Monday. I think I'm getting sick. 

For Jimmy --> as I mentioned, I would just comment on my page about your bloq re. cheaters. I agree with the author that a lot of it (the cheating) has to do with the relationship. If a s/he cheats on a partner then most likely they'll do it again. However it doesn't really mean that s/he do it to the new partner. What I do know is this...you gotta look at his/her history. If they have cheated in many past relationships...then they'll most likely cheat on you. If it's been only one....then you might stand a chance. I say this b/c I know a few peeps in this position. One friend of mine won't commit to anyone any longer b/c he's cheated so many times in his serious relationships. Then I have another friend that cheated on his gf (now ex), but that was when he was in his early 20s. When all those influences --> college girls, college guy friends saying he should be single, being young and dumb w/ a lot of (you know)....well, needless to say, he broke her heart. They tried to work it out, they broke it off. His next few relationships, he never cheated on them. He's now happily married and older...and no, I don't think he'll cheat on her. I think everyone is capabe of cheating. I'm not saying they will all cheat, but everyone is capable of it. Personally it'll take a earth shattering experience to change a cheater...but if s/he cheated and told the SO (significant other) about it and it's the first ever stupid thing done, then there's probability that s/he won't cheat..but it is a chance one takes...but if it happens a 2nd time, break it off!! 

This upcoming Monday...it'll be a month of knowing him. We text each other every day, but we don't talk on the phone everyday (only when we make plans to go on a date). I want more from him, but I don't know how to go about it. I know it sounds silly, but I really don't know. I don't want to rush things or scare him off....I'm trying to go at his pace. Trying to figure out what his goal is...and it's too early to ask (me thinks). I just don't know. For me, it's so hard for me to like a guy...so when I do, I know I like him...and yes, I can see myself a year from now with this person...BUT....I just don't know. I mean, do I wait? Do this at his speed? This week I tried to see if he'd initiate trying to see me...so far nothing.  First week, he initiated. 2nd week, I initiated. Last date, I think I asked if he was free. He called to confirm that he did want to see me...so i dunno. I figure maybe he's not interested, but he's usually the first to text me in the morning and whenever I text him a question, he responds. I'm confused. LOL. I think what's frustrating me is not knowing what he's thinking. On my end, I think he can see that I'm interested. I just can't read him. Maybe I don't want to...I'm still trying to get to know him though, but I realized one thing on our date, (unlike the first week where he asked me questions) he never asked me any questions about my friends or my parents. I'm sure he asked how my weekend with the parents went, but he never asked anything specific about them (like what they do, etc).  I, on the other hand, asked how his parents were, if they still work or retire. I ask him how he was like in HS. I'm more curious to get to know him than I think he is to get to know me. But is this just gender differences? Are guys just more into the moment..the here...versus girls who tend to want to know a lot of things? I want to spend more time with him. Getting to know him and hanging out...even meeting his friends, but I haven't gotten an invitation...and I know, it's only been 1 month....and introducing a girl to the group of his boys usually means something big...so i won't push that at all. Maybe I just expect too much...I'm the type that just laid back..have my friends meet each other kinda deal.

With Chicago guy, I knew that he wanted to date me. He made it very clear. He didn't text me or call me every day, but when he'd call...he would say he'd like to hang out, etc. He didn't mind meeting my friends at all...that's what I need...

and what's wrong with Chicago guy? Yes, he's really nice. He's not bad looking. He graduated from a college somewhere (not that it matters to me that much). But...I just don't feel that spark there. I see him more as a friend. He's definitely marriage material...

and so is this current guy...but I'm still trying to get to know him. So what to do? I know all I can do right now is wait and see. See what he does and not get so anxious or excited about this one. I keep telling myself, right now...we're just going out. I've just never been in a situation where a guy keeps in touch with you daily, but...I dunno! Am I getting scared? Cold feet....trying to find every reason not to see where this is going to go? But I do feel like although it's "easy" compared to "HIM" (aka the one I've heart so long)...it's like I don't know..something is missing...and i'm trying to figure out what.

I don't want to be in the same position as 2 of my friends...dating someone for 1+ (for my other friend 2+) years and not having a title....or know where it's going...just hanging in there...I don't think I'm made for that..cut out for that...probably cuz I've been there...done that..and won't do that again with someone new...I just can't....

I finally sent my taxes out today....thanks to my mom who did it.  It's kinda funny how little responsibility I've taken w/ my taxes...I'd rather have someone do it then do it myself...b/c usually when I do it myself, I owe... A LOT.  This year...the same as last year, but since I went through my mom and not the tax guy, I'm actually expecting a return instead of coming out even. Damn state though! I owe almost $500...but better than owing 1K i guess.

I like him, but I feel myself running the other direction...oh the phobia of getting hurt. 

I'm ultra sensitive due to Aunt Flo visiting...but it'll pass.  I should workout, but I'm so damn moody and tired that I haven't gone to the gym. I need some time off!! I really need some time off....I just want to go a week without having to worry about going to work at night...vacation seems so far right now...I need a mini-vacation....

So I invite him to my Godchild's birthday party...and said I'd take him to dinner and movie after. I told him he could say "no" since it could be a bit intimidating to meet new people and especially at a group event.  He said "i don't know about the b-day party, but dinner and movies sound nice". I told him I'd call him on Saturday....but do I pay for everything? I feel like I should since I did offer.  Last time I went to see him, I brought a case of beer cuz he wanted beer...hmmm...I don't want to be taken for granted though or be a sucker.

He texted me this morning. Do you think a guy, if he was playing games, would put the effort to text someone every morning? Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he texts other girls every morning. I know, I need to stop this madness.

Since I told the bridal party that I was steppin' down from handling the coordination of everything, I feel so much better. I haven't gotten an email at all from anyone now, but I so needed a break. I'm sorry, but when the bride herself tells me that one of the girls is scared of me (yes, I get upset, but I think anyone would if you don't get a response for weeks to a yes/no question..and she's emailing other people??) and the rest of the bridal party doesn't back me up with how I'm handling things, then why should I bother? I want the bach party to be awesome and not be stressed out at the end, but it's not worth it when the rest of the bridal party thinks I'm taking it to the extreme. Sorry but I don't think wanting to finalize plans 2 months before the actual date is "too extreme"...and to finalize the details.  But since they think I'm being too "pushy" then I figure, you guys handle it...you guys plan and handle everything. I don't give a sh*t anymore. I know I shouldn't be like this, but why should I feel like this?  I told them, tell me what to do...and I'll do it. Has anyone step up to the plate? Not yet....but you know what, I don't care...I want them to see how important it is to be organized and have things done....and since they handle stress better (apparently) then let them handle this cr*p.

When I was handling my friend's bach party last year, it was such a breeze...and all of us lived in different parts of the state...with the bride and one of the bridesmaid living out of state...and everything was so fun...so easy. We were all on the same page. I didn't have to worry about specific details b/c whatever they were in charge of, they handled. I told them I'd do invitations and handle RSVPs and logistics. One handled dinner, another handled the spa and another handled games.

This one...it's like...lack of communication! We got the bridal shower done....at least we have a plan, but the details...the details! Not done. The bach party...I ask one to handle the restaurant, one to handle the hotel, I was going to research the clubs/bars and driving directions everywhere and invitation, and one I just ask her to answer yes/no if she can make it at all...and I'm handling the spa. Hotel is good BUT I can't even count on the person in charge of the restaurant cuz all the research done is online (apparently my request to call and check about something was too difficult)....so...what's the point. I'm driving them crazy...so I figure, let them handle it on their speed..and I'll be just like them, do what is asked of me..and have them coordinate everything. 

I know I've been writing a lot...he makes me think too much..and so I have to write to get it out of my system..even if it doesn't make any sense...lol. okay, that's it for now...hopefully everyone else is doing well. 

UPDATE:  One thing that's really good about him, he returns calls and text. I was able to chat with him a little. We had planned on hanging out Saturday night, but his old coworker is visiting from out of state and he promised to take him to Long Beach and party the night away. They're actually going to watch race cars skidding (or whatever it's called) then party the night away. It actually works out cuz that'll mean I can spend Friday and Saturday at my parents. Friday, he's going out w/ a bunch of the guys drinking -- in celebration of a friend's b-day.  I think he hates talking on the phone as much as I do....LOL...I could feel us wanting to end the conversation quickly. It's not that we're not interested, it's just we're better talking in person. I wasn't sure if he was going to do something with his folks, it be Easter and all. I'll probably go to mass Saturday night instead of Sunday.

I'm hoping to put some overtime in tonight. After work, I have to go to Triple A and pay for my car registration, then go to the gym, gas up, go grocery shopping, put away clothes and do laundry...and just chill the night away. I usually go out Thursdays but since I stepped down, no emails or phone calls...which is actually a good thing b/c I can save money. I am exhausted. It was soooo hard to get up for work tonight. I had difficulty going to sleep...and then difficulty getting up.

I was so tired that I didn't work out..i'm suppose to be working out tonight here at work, but I'm still sleepy. I figure I'll get up at 5am and workout....at least I didn't have a heavy dinner. I had tomatoe soup with gold fish. It was yummy  Groceries...I need to buy eggs, salad, fruit and that's all i can think of for now. I have enough stuff in the fridge.....wait, I might just buy steak (after Sunday I can eat red meat again....and chocolate)! woop woop. okay going to go house hunting online.

I am so exhausted. Last night when I went to bed, I thought it was the start to my weekend! Only to be reminded that this week has just begun. This is why I'm not too fond of working weekends. My schedule get thrown off big time. I had Thursday of last week off, then went to work during the day Friday, worked Saturday night and pulled a 13 hour shift, then went to my day job and worked 2 hours on Sunday then went to work Sunday night. Went to work yesterday, had last night off, back at work Today, work tonight, work Wednesday...and Wednesday night. Why did I ever decide to work the weekends again??

I'm sooo tired I can't think straight today,  but I gotta go running today. Gotta workout. I'm so tired that I'm considering going for a nap during my lunch break instead of eating...Gosh, a nap sounds so good right now.  I'm so tired that I don't even care if I hear from Barcopa guy today. Last I "heard" from him was yesterday. No morning greeting today? Yet I don't even care b/c I'm too tired to even care...lol...plus I think he's just as busy as I am this week. 

I just want to crawl under my sheets and sleep for a few hours. Even though I slept last night, it wasn't too restful. I kept waking up around 4am...practically every hour until I gave up a quarter to 6am this morning.

I'm sure it doesn't help that when I came home yeterday, I worked out for 25 minutes w/ weights than walked over 3 miles with my cousin around the neighborhood. There's a lot of places for sale. I'm still waiting for prices to go down a bit. I really realy really want my own place now. Aww...the decision about being cheaper to rent and save money or put my money on a house...oh well, in due time.

This is all I got right now....I think I am going to nap for lunch

I emailed them and told them I was taking a step back. It's hard to keep steering the events when I'm running into people who do not want to keep moving. What I consider proactive, they consider pushy.  I'm just the type of person that likes to have things done within a month before the event and only make final arrangements a few weeks before....and I've gotten no support in terms of the bridesmaids backing me up on the way I handle things. It seems like I'm the only one stressing out, so I told them I'm taking a step back and letting them handle it and to have one of them in charge and let me know what thye want me to do. I'll do it..I'll show up wherever they tell me to show up, etc. etc. I'm done w/ this bullsh*t....and I feel so much better that I told them. 

I never had such difficulty before. Seriously.

Besides this, I have to talk to my boss and tell him that I won't be available that last Friday in July b/c my travel agent (despite explicitly requesting a Friday night departure) booked a Thursday morning departure and I just don't know how it'll be price-wise to change the itinerary.  I'm going to France and Italy! So happy that this is happening. My next trip to Europe will be England and Scotland (but that's another time). 

Although he didn't text me today in the morning, I did get a sweet "good night" message from him.  I know that I'm going to have to talk to him this week to just make it clear to him where I'm at in this process. I like him. I hope he likes me. It's strange to have things come so "easy"....just sad that I have to say this b/c it only shows what crappy relationships I've been involved in...put up with in the past. There's something there that I can't explain. I try to doubt it, but he proves me wrong...and I hope I'm wrong...and that maybe this time...just this time my prayers will be answered. Only time will tell though.

I mean with Italian, I was excited and hopeful, but the communication barrier was evidently there and I did question if he was too intense for me. But with this one, it's easy..simple...relaxing. I hope it continues to be so. 

I definitely have to go running tomorrow. I had chicken pot pie for dinner --> I figure I had to eat something since all I had that day was slim fast, cereal bar for snack, cup of chicken noodle soup and crackers for lunch...and that was it. I still have my okra at work..so I'll be eating that for snack/lunch tomorrow. I'm out of vegetables and fruits, so I gotta go grocery shopping this Thursday and go to Triple A to pay for my car registration and get the stickers there...yay to DMV.

Since I signed up for my car insurance renewal in October, it's been really nice not to have to stress out in April over registration, taxes and so forth. April usually hits me financially b/c I use to have everything due this month. Car registration, insurance, taxes, AAA membership fees....thank goodness I renew my car insurance in October now...and only once a year instead of every 6 months. I still don't know if I owe $$ to Uncle Sam but I probably will...I usually do.

I've been looking online at the housing prices. Some are going down and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to buy something and move into my new place by next year. That is my ultimate goal. I'm looking at Culver City, Palms/Mar Vista Area, West LA, West Hollywood Santa Monica and Marina Del Rey area.  I'd consider Torrance as well, but it's a pretty far drive and in that case I might as well consider Glendale instead.

Aight, I gotta get some zzzz in before I go to my day job. Thank goodness it's nice and quiet here tonight at work.

Should I be concerned if we text more than talk on the phone? He went out to Long Beach last night. So he tells me he's at his friend's place drinkin'...and I couldn't help but think "friend" as in guy friend or girl friend? I tend to just say "friend" when I'm hanging out w/ guys...but it's not like we know each other's friends yet.  He did call me "babe"...but I'm not sure if I like that either. Ugh, I know...I know..I gotta stop this.

I did nothing today but catch up on sleep and watch movies. I really liked Capote considering that I had no clue about him or his life. I didn't even know "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was based on a book! Go figure.

I hate being difficult. Especially for a friend's wedding. I hate complaining b/c it adds stress to their wedding, but I can't help but get so frustrated right now. I don't like the fact that she chose a seamstress that isn't easily accessible. I don't like the fact that it's on the seamstress time when I feel like I'm paying her, I should be able to meet her half way on my time. But we all have to meet (all 4 girls in the wedding, including junior bridesmaid) to get fitted? WTF! I'm upset b/c everything I recommended has been set aside. The lady I recommended was way cheaper (and it's not like she's paying for our dresses) and much more easily accessible. I didn't want to complain but I was so frustrated that this lady can't meet us on a weekend where we're all free and we have to free up our schedules to meet her? Then I have issues with one of the bridesmaid...and I hate HATE HATE the fact that I'm somehow in charge. I don't want to be in charge any longer....infact, I think that's what I'm going to say.

I'm so frustrated with everything.  Anywho..i'm tired of thinking..lol...so I'm gonna go and read a book.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070330/ap_en_ce/paris_hilton  If she didn't have money or wasn't so well known, she'd be in jail by now -- even if she didn't know about her circumstance. The average American...person in the states would never get out of "she didn't know she was on probation"...the average person would be placed in jail immediately. BS...some of these rich spoiled movies stars need some responsibility, morality, respect for themselves and others out there. This is what happens to double standards.

So...things are good so far...I can't complain. He's nice...very different...I like him. He didn't call on Wed cuz he was so busy, but he texted me immediately...and he texted me this morning....when you meet someone so good...and you look at past relationship, you realize how much crap you've put yourself through...and how much better it is to have someone that knows how to treat you well...and you don't have to feel like you're doing all the work all the time.  When you're feeling that way, that's when you gotta stop and question yourself...the "relationship"....

I'm taking it slow...no title...have no clue what it is...but i'm enjoying it right now...enjoying the treatment.  Just enjoying it...enjoying life..enjoying the moment. 

3 weeks...and I've lost 5 lbs so far. I have a lot more to go...but I'm heading towards a good path again...so I can't complain...I'm excited. I'm happy...I'm hopeful.