so i'm trying not to get too exciting, anxious....trying to stop analyzing everything. 

all last week i'd be greeted to his "morning" text messages. it was a very pleasant surprise.

then Friday was the date.

i didn't think we'd hit it off....it caught me by surprise....

i left thinking that he won't contact me again, but he proved me wrong again.

he texted me the next few days...

but today he didn't initiate a text...nothing. infact, i did this morning only b/c i didn't want him to think that i wasn't interested...and eventually he'd be questioning why i never make the first move.  so i did today.

his response to me telling him i have the next two nights off..."cool"

HUH?

really, is that all I get?

I maybe reading too much into it.

i'm trying not to get excited afterall....

afterall i have Italian guy to remind me of what happens when you put  too much hope into something and then get so disappointed you get hurt and wonder WTF happened....

I'm trying to play it cool...but when is it too cool? Should i be playing hard to get? I mean, isn't it the thrill of the chase???

But if he was really looking for the thrill, he would've waited 3 days to contact me. Playing that usual lame game...

I'm trying not to play the game...trying really hard to make sure this one will somehow be it...

and yet, there's Europe...i'm trying to remain single for my European trip....but but....there's just something about him.

then human nature takes place...i don't want to tell HIM about him if it doesn't work out at first...but that sucks cuz what? he's a backup now? when he was never one before...but seriously HE made it so difficult for US to work...and I am just so TIRED of trying.

What to do...what to do...

I know i gotta stop trippin'...and chill.

He told me he was coming back on Sunday...so I made plans with my friends. Next thing I know, I get a text "I'm coming home Saturday at 9pm...what r u doing?"...told him I made plans. It was St. Paddy's day afterall...and peeps are out that day, just drinkin' and having a good time.

I didn't cancel my plans. I stuck by them. Went out, hung out, met a few peeps, gave my number out...and at the end of it, I'm driving down to see him. Moving my Sunday plans around just to hang out. I come by...and it's like...time really made an impact on us. It was awkward. I was tired. I crashed immediately after I washed my face.  Nothing happened....not even making an effort to go out for breakfast/lunch. I was so bored...and I'm sitting there thinking, WTF did I come down here? You say you miss me, but you sure don't act like it! I felt like I wasted my time.

I couldn't connect. I was grasping for something there and it was empty. Then I realized, it's time. Call the guy I met. Go out on dates. Start letting others in. Open my heart cuz this...whatever THIS is...is not satifsying to me. I need more. I want more and quite frankly, maybe...just maybe I've fallen out of love cuz I just see us as friends. No future...I no longer see us in the future...I see me and someone else that makes me happy. That gets me. I see me so happy and when I'm with him, I don't feel that way. I guess it's a good thing.

Well, I'm off to a meeting. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

It's been almost three weeks...granted, he texted me last week saying "I miss you".  It was nice to get that.   Of course I thought that he should be missing me (lol).  But I'm no fool, if you've ever gone to Asia (in his case, Thailand & Combodia), well...I can only imagine what a bunch of men go there for....and he's with a pack of 'em. 

It's been nice though to be away. Distance seriously helps...truly, it's been out of sight --> out of mind (well, for the most part).  For three weeks, I've been working out...really started pushing it this week cuz no matter what I was doing, I gained.  Granted it was a pound, but it was gain instead of a loss and I'm not having that....so no chocolate, red meat, carbs at night....and I'm running Mondays and Wednesdays...weights on Tuesdays, gym on Thursdays...rest Friday, walking Saturday, rest Sunday.  I've been feeling good and noticed that I'm not PMSing (the way I was when it was coming).....so hopefully in a month, I'll notice a difference..and in two months more...and in three months..even better.

I'm definitely going to France and Italy in late July thru mid August...and I'm going to New York in October! so I'm hella excited about that!  happy and excited. I have a lot to do though...I'll be bringing my speech to practice and perfect for Cheryl's wedding the week I return from Europe.  What's funny is that a new temp,  she's Filipino (not that it matters) told me she was raised in Rome and speaks Italian and French...is it a sign?

I did finally meet up for dinner w/ Chicago guy. He paid, which was nice of him. He's really nice and we're going to the movies this Sunday...BUT I don't know.  I say I want to be in a relationship...a nice guy comes along and is interested, but I'm not. Then when I do get interested in someone, they're not...so I dunno.  Right now, I'm definitely trying to be single until after my New York trip (hahaha).  But I'm not deterring anyone. My friend is trying to do a "blind date" thing for me...so there's that going on too....but really, I just want to be swept off my feet I guess...I just want it to happen. 

I think I fell in love with K b/c it was just slow....we hung out a lot...no pressures of dating..just friends....why can't I have just guy friends that I can hang with and talk to and not be gay?  Speaking of gay...my friend has proposed to his BF.  I really don't know what to say when he told me...all I kept saying is "as long as you're happy". I just gave up....and if he wants to go that route (as you can see I'm not highly enthusiastic about this at all) then so be it. It's not that I hate his BF, overall he means well...it's just, well..I don't even want to get into it.  In the end, as long as he's happy...the person I knew back in the days in not the same person....and maybe he's really just more like his BF than I thought he was....i dunno. Disappointed, yes...BUT I can't say anything....I've been there, done that --> and still care about the guy (but if I ever should get back w/ him, he'll be working his arse off to win my family and friends over...that's for sure).  So yeah, i can't say much about my friend's proposal b/c he's in love. In the end, I'm not the one that has to live with that choice ya know. So I just hope he's happy...and of course, I'll help him w/ the planning if he needs it.

A friend of mine, loaned me "black dahlia" to read...I'm still trying to get into it. For me, it's a really slow read...but when I'm done I'll give my opinion on the book.

So I watched "good night and good luck" last night. Very very slow and somewhat boring. Sadly it could've been more exciting if the writing was better. Things just didn't connect so well.  Great actors, just bad writing.  I get the point...the media is there not just to entertain but to challenge what's going on in our world.  If Murrow was still alive today, he'd probably find the internet a better form of media b/c anyone interested in knowing anything can find it on the internet. Our government has already restricted so many things, but that's our doing. Hopefully we do learn from the past....let's not go back to McCarthyism (sp?)...or concentration camps...as much as I disagree w/ racist groups like KKK (and it's membership is growing from what I saw on TV about a month ago), people's opinions should be heard and challenged...and it's challenging those views and thoughts that allows us to grow. You may not change my mind on a subject or topic, but I will definitely listen to the views and based on the findings/support, then we'll see what I think afterwards.  That's what I appreciate about school (especially English b/c you usually have to analyze what the author meant and find support)...you learn, you're challenged mentally (and physically if it was gym class). College was so great b/c I got to learn so much...I love learning. I like getting that light bulb on my head turn on and say "wow, i never thought of it like that". Educators are great....

So i was sitting down earlier and thought, I'm very fortunate. I think my views are pretty open. I've been told that people tend to open up to me b/c i don't judge. I accept people for who they are and what they offer (unless they are hurtful SOB that use or hurt others, then KEEP AWAY FROM ME --> I have no tolerance for that, I've learned from experience).  A person can be "slutty", super conservative, god-fearing, etc....and well, it doesn't bother me. It only bothers me if you are hurting yourself or others. You can be slutty as long as you're fine w/the decisions you've made, but if you're not, then it's time to refocus and decide how to make your life better so you can be happy. It bothers me if a person if full of contradictions...the whole "do as I say, but not as i do". I had a "friend" (no longer) do that to me. She'd say all this crap...and one day I thought "WAIT, you do the same thing...and YOU think what of others, of me??"...I wasn't having it. I no longer wanted her as a friend.

My mom is super religious. Like many religious people, she thinks the act of being gay is a sin. She once said "you can be gay, but just don't act on it...then you're not sinning"...and I replied "but the only way you know you're really gay is if you act on it"! My mom is actually very open minded and tolerant (except to the show "wonder years"...can you believe I wasn't allowed to watch it! --> it's  cuz she saw young kids kissing....I guess now she's more tolerant cuz I'm an old gal...LOL). 

Maybe that's where I got my open-mindedness from...I'm sure I got a lot of it b/c of my grandmother too. I love it when church people talk about God and says he's love, etc....but they exclude other people. Speaking of religion. St. Benedict is super conservative...i don't even think St. John Paul II would've signed what he signed this weekend. Stating that any Catholic who divorces and remarries is no longer part of the church. Maybe in the Bible it says something about God being hard on his flock, testing them. But what I have a problem with is when they say he's a forgiving God...and they can't forgive?  That's why I just don't judge, cuz you know what, in the end, there's death and it won't be me judging where I go...so in the meantime, I gotta live life well...treat people the way I want to be treated...and if they don't treat me well, know to walk away and not keep the enemies close (they just consume you) but to focus on those that love you and care about you.

Sorry for babbling so much. I'm just free writing what I'm thinking at this moment....

Lately, I've been having a difficult time sleeping. After my day job, I usually go home and sleep...but that hasn't been the case since last week. I started working out this week in hopes of taking care of this "insomnia" but...it's still not working.  I'm up counting the hours to this night job...miserable.

Then I come here thinking I'm going to get some sleep....and even when it's quiet, I can't get myself to stop with these thoughts! Random random thoughts! It's getting annoying...why do I stay up wondering about American Idol contestants when I don't even watch the show? So what do I do, b/c of curiosity, I go online...trying to find any information I can find...and even go on YouTube....and can I just say...it's evil..cuz that damn thing gets me surfing the entire site looking for anyone interesting..then I start reading the comments!

You'd think I'd stop! BUT NO!!! I start thinking of things I have to..need to do...clean my room...plan a summer cleaning...think about future trips..thinkg about how much I hate working nights, but I can't give it up b/c it's a part-time full benefitted position..and they (not me) pay for my healthcare! It's a good deal...and I'd be silly to give it up right now....silly b/c majority of the time, I'm sitting here, suring the net...sometimes writing on xanga...for 3x the minimum wage.....i'd be ridiculous to give it up. But i hate the drive...I'm tired...i hate working nites...ugh!! I say...if only I can cut it down to 2 nites w/ full benefits...but that's how it started...started w/ 5 nites, cut it down to 4...then now 3...and if i cut it down to 2...i'm sure i'm just going to want 1 night....BUT I need the money...I need to put money aside for retirement...for a down for a house...

is it worth it?

I am successful....I'm really good at what I do...BUT I'm not completely happy...career wise..yes, it's all gravy BUT for me....I really want a relationship. I really need that right now....

And now I'm thinking...I don't really want a relationship...I just want someone to be there to hold me...and I want time to myself...time to sleep...time to workout...time to just vege and do nothing all day.  But my life is in constant motion...and it is my fault. I am constantly planning...doing...taking task...being with friends...being with family...I wish there was more time in a day...i wish I had more energy...i wish i could lose the fat...i wish i could go running again...I want to really smile....I want to be really happy....I want a place of my own....I want a lot...I want to make money...lots of it..more than what I'm making now...i wish i had luck like Lauri from Housewives of Orange County...lucky girl! 

Okay...that's it...i'm going to attempt to sleep...my eyes are getting tired....so i'm going to let them get tired! 

For Lent I gave up chocolate and red meat. So far so good. It kinda sucks to go to my parents' pad or parties and I can't eat the chocolate covered pretzels, cake or ice cream! bummer! I can't even have a tall mocha from star bucks....but I'm coping..only 40 days right (okay, counting Sundays, 47 days).....the red meat...I'm not missing yet....good thing i rarely crave hamburger..but I love steak...oh well...i've been cooking a lot more vegetables w/ chicken...and lots of seafood...so I guess it's a good thing.

Saw a documentary called "thin"....it's sad to see older adults (well..sad in general to see people...in this case, women...in various ages) suffering from an eating disorder...so much so that they have to be part of an inpatient facility. 

The planned trip to Hawaii w/ my cousin has been changed to Italy. We figured...why not do something International this year??!! So we're gonna meet up w/ Megan and Woosa in Italy...we'll probably go to France first...then meet the girls in Italy. I'm totally excited! Can't wait to see Rome and the Vatican....it's probably going to be hot as heck...but it'll be hot in Cali anyway..so...might as well be in Italy right?

So...they broke up...the day he was leaving for his trip to Asia. He spent his last nite crased at my pad cuz he went out drinking....she was pissed (rightly so) and she trashed his place...took all the things he packed out of the bags and threw them all over his place. Broke a vase and tore a photo of herself....

Can't help but say I'm glad. I didn't like her anyway.  I think it's disrespectful for any of my friend's significant other cursing at them in front of their friends. That one impression of her when he made dinner for all of us...and she didn't even clean after herself was what made me decide she wasn't the one for him.  

I've seen that happen once with another set of friends...and they didn't last either. Except it was the opposite...the guy didn't help her out one bit. He'd sit around while she cleaned after him....not cool at all.

Granted, I'd probably be difficult too.

So I stopped cleaning every Thursday. To no surprise, the place is a mess. I just feel like if you're going to dirty the stove, counters...use the utensils, etc....you should clean after yourself.  When I cook, I can't cook if it's dirty...I immediately clean the stuff I'm using cuz I need to constantly use the sink.  

But it's only proving to me that I just need to buy a place that I myself can live in.  The only other person I got along well in terms of living area space was K....our place was always immaculate....probably cuz he's a neat freak....I hate cleaning after people...i'm not their maid. 

I've been sick for almost 2 weeks....finally feeling better....physically better...emotionally --> ugh.

I haven't gone out w/ friends in two weeks. All I do is work, work and work....stay in bed b/c I'm sick..do errands around the house but stay in bed more b/c I'm so tired due to being sick...so...i get sad...cuz I haven't been out w/ friends or doing anything socially.

I'm requesting for this Wednesday off...but knowing me, I'm going to feel like crap again..and will only wish to stay in. I'm tired...I'm bored...I want excitement...I want fun...I want to date....

So I don't return phone calls....I haven't been in the mood to talk to anyone cuz I've been feeling like crap the past few weeks...and the only person i wish to hang out with is K....I sooooooo need to meet other people. It's 3:40 in the morning and I'm up...why?? i should be napping...i should be sleeping..i should've watched some of the movies I put in my portable DVD player....but i'm too lazy to even watch a movie...WTF is that all about?

anyway, i'll hopeully snap out of this "mood"....even though I'm past the really sick phase, I still have the cold......oh well...in due time.

So today's topic on the radio was the following:

If you cheat, are you still a good parent?

Some argued that when people cheat, they're missing something from the relationship with their significant other. They say that it doesn't change who they are as a parent.

Some said that if you cheat, you risk destroying that relationship and leading to your child's unhappiness because his/her parents are not together and are usually found fighting. Eventually that child will find out that the parent cheated...then what?

I do believe that if you cheat, your moral standing lose credibility in your child's eyes. I do think that you provide a poor example of a good role model. I've seen it too many times. Guys I know who have commitment issues have parents who cheated (or divorced). But then again, just because you cheat, doesn't mean you don't love your kids or can provide for your kids. So I really don't know if cheating = poor parents. I do know that cheating = poor moral judgment.

My friend, recently divorced, gave the following reason for her decision.  She didn't want her child growing up to think that it's okay to be cheated on.

TOPIC in some news article last week. There are more single women in California than there are married. It's not that women choose to be single. Of course we want to find that right man, it's just many of us don't want to settle. We have good jobs, good pay.....and sex (well you no longer have to be married to get it). Do you worry of being called a "slut"??? Although I'm sure there are people out there who pay too much emphasis on other people's private lives, majority of society doesnt give a cr*p if that girl is sleeping around. Seriously, as long as I'm not getting hurt by other people's actions (or other people aren't getting hurt)...then what's the problem? Then again, I'm just coming from the whole "it's ok for guys to sleep around, but not girls??" topic.

I really have no point (lol)...I'm just thinking aloud.

That's all I got for now. I went to a singles event last night....omg, seriously...the options for women in LA is slim to none!! Well...from the looks of the guys last night. I'm sure they are nice people...but omg...if anything, it told me I'm still to young to be going to these 'singles' event gatherings. 

I'm thinking about asking my boss (@ my night job) for some time off in February. I am drained.  I've cut my hours but I still find myself wondering why am I doing this? I so don't want to be working nights any longer. But she went to so much trouble to make sure I get full benefits working part time.  So I feel like I should at least do one more year before I put in my two weeks resignation...and ask to go per diem...or something.

I ended up not seeing K on Saturday. Long story, but it was a realtiy check I needed.  Oddly, i got this call from this guy I met during my b-day dinner in Westwood last year...I haven't heard from him in so long...and out of nowhere, he calls me. I already know it's doomed. First, he's a smoker...and I seriously don't date anyone who smokes beyond the occasional social scene. Personally, I want my guy to live as long as I do.  Secondly, I don't think he can provide the lifestyle that I want. Okay, so I sound a tiny bit materialistic, but I'm being honest. Those days where making ends meet....working for what one truly loves even if it pays very little...though "romantic", isn't what I want in my future. I want to grow old and live comfortably. I don't want to scrouge for change just to pay for dinner.

Didn't hear from bartendar for a week and I was going to scratch him off the list, but turns out he's been really sick.  I still don't know about this one. He seems nice. He has potential...just don't know if it'll go anywhere...if he can make the ball roll....that's why I want to talk to him and see.  That was the appealing part about Italian, he had the ball rolling for him....I have a feeling I will eventually hear from him again though...don't they always call...

Speaking of call, people still call me knowing that I work 2 shifts Mon-wed....and I need to sleep. Of course today I get the most irritating phone call from a guy I use to date. I haven't talked to this fool in months..almost a year (me thinks)...and he calls me out of the lbue....and i'm like "i'm going back to sleep...no I don't want to see you"....lol.

the only person I do plan to see is Mr. C. He'll be coming home from Iraq for a few weeks. So it'll be nice to see an old friend.  He says it's been hard there...I can imagine. I'm just glad he's okay so far....It's going to be weird seeing him since it's been almost 2 years (at least it feels like that to me) since I last saw him.

As for K....only time will tell. I had written a letter but opted not to send. I don't see a point to send anything. I don't think I need to explain anything....if he can't figure it out..then it wasn't worth explaining...especially if he doesn't care to ask.

TO RECAP:

FRIDAY NITE:
Met up with Woos, Deb, Kat, Nic, Shauna and Ed @ Soup Plantation. Discussed plans for the night. Shauna and Ed to see some movie (which they later mentioned that it should have not been Rated R but higher). Convinced Woosa to hang out w/ the girls. Nic to hang out w/ her boy. After our dinner, went home w/ Kat. Got ready and got roommate to come w/ us. My "blind date" with bartender went pretty well. It was a group thang...so no pressure. But he was nice....nice body! lol....Didn't really get to chit chat w/ him, but he was respectful. Wasn't a perv or anything...and when he got drinks, he got me drinks. So that was nice.  Well...roommate ended up not coming home. I dropped off everyone....crashed immediately. But got a phone call from Bartender....said I'd call him later.....

SATURDAY NITE:
Woke up hella late. I haven't done that in years! I woke up at 12pm!! I couldn't believe it! I got up and had to rush to get ready for lunch near my parents place. Met up w/ Trish, Nic, Nikki and my God Child (Hailey) @ TGIF...I seriously love the menu there right now...well, b/c they are promoting their 3-meal menu for like $13. Right after lunch, headed from there to Ed's. Met up w/ Ed & Shauna and went to the gym. Right after the gym, we got ready to celebrate Cheryl's 30+ b-day @ Bar Celona in Pasadena. I was really nervous @ first b/c all the reviews for the restaurant on City Search was negative. The staff isn't the greatest. Our waitress (although she was nice to me cuz I made the effort to find out her name) told one of my friend's at the other end of the table when asking for another glass, "no one else wanted any". That is such a weird reply to a glass request. Then it was such a b*tch to get into the club....and it was ok. Food was good though. I'm just not feeling the Pasadena Colorado Street scene.  I'd chill @ McMurphy's any day.  It was a really good group of friends that night, but Ed left early and we asked Sujin if she would kindly drop us off @ Ed's.  I ended up sleeping over at his pad since it was freakin' freezin' like no other that night! Seriously....I've never felt cold like this! Somewhere during the day, I left a message w/ bartender...telling him I'd be busy Mon-Wednesday b/c of work, but to call me to let me know when he's free b/c I'd like to get to talk to him since I felt like we really didn't get a chance to get to know each other at the bar and that I had a good time....

SUNDAY:
I was dreading having to get up in the morning. Ed's place was soooo nice and warm. I just kept thinking, why didn't I bring a coat?? The longer I stayed on the couch, the longer I started to think about what I had to do...and decided not to come in to work. I called K and ask if he can come by earlier to start our day. But even though we tried our best to start early...we didn't leave my pad until 1pm. Went to my parents (which is like an hour away). Had late lunch first. Then went to pick up the truck at my parents. Then went to the Valley (about 1.5 hours away from my parents) to pick up the furniture. Moved the couches (was suppose to get end tables and coffee tables too but no room). Head back to my parents. Move the couches inside (oh, but wait, gotta move some furniture before moving in the new ones). Stayed for a few minutes....went home. K stayed a little bit with me. Then he went home....and I continued to sleep.

Got up today....feeling hella guilty, I got up early and decided to go to work early. I was going to come in an hour early and add that time to my Sunday shift that I missed, but I was only 1/2 hour early...so I'm just adding that unpaid time to my lunch break.  The rest of the week:  Tues & Wed is work. Thursday hang out w/ K during the day...then dinner w/ Woosa & Diem (but I also told Shauna, Cheryl & Ed that I'd meet up w/ them...so we'll see if dinner actually happens...I hope so though, we've been trying to get together for months now).  Friday night, sleep over in Harbor City. Saturday, help friend set up for her child's first b-day....then drive to Moreno Valley (freakin' A...what was I thinking...to hang out w/ K)...then go back to LA on Sunday for work. Yeah, lots of driving for me.

I know I've been spending lots of time w/ K.  "I think we could've been good if we were together".....I replied "I know"...but he feels like if we had been together, it would end. He's still not there....but I think right now this is where it should be.

Everytime I get close, he pushes away. That is what he does. He does something hurtful....and this time around, I'm not willing to be there to get hurt. So...I'm gonna continue meeting people...and eventually, there will be someone out there that I can really get excited about...then see from there. Too bad it didn't work out w/ Italian. I really liked him..but such is life.

I was going to go to Hawaii for February to go to Jenn's wedding, but since there's a potential trip to Australia in April...I opted to save money instead. I really want to go...so hopefully it'll go through.

I've said it so many times to him, but I haven't said it in a long time.  It kinda just came out....and I couldn't take it back. That question...."would you take a bullet for me" echoed?? Would I?  A few years ago, the answer would undoubtedly be "yes"....and as I sat looking at him, I stopped and said "I don't know what I'd do".

I've only heard him (well....believed him) once. I heard him say it before but I knew the implication to those words...yes, as a friend. But tonight, it was raw and honest....

I love you.

There's so many meanings to it. I wish I knew an old married couple and ask them questions about the meaning of love. I wish I could ask my parents, but I've never had that type of relationship with them...and it's not my style to ask them.  If my grandmother was still alive, I would definitely ask her what love means in a relationship.

Love. I know what that is and how it feels when it comes to my friends and family. But loving a man....I don't know what to say to that. I mean, can you still truly love someone if you've gone through so much hurt with that person? It's that whole, "yes I love you, but I love me more"...and if that's the case, then can you really love that person? 

I wish we could've met at better times in our lives....or at least he was in a better mindset than when I first met him. I think he's become a better person to me as the years have passed, but I don't know if there's such a thing as "starting over" with that person that you once loved so much.

I love him.

But...yes...there's a but.

But I can't. I am not willing to give my heart. He's like my dear friend and we can talk BS together...but I am just not willing to get hurt again. I know he loves me. Why else are we still there for each other. I know if I really needed help, he'd be there. But he wouldn't be the first person I'd call.

I didn't ask "what does this mean" afterwards. I'm sure what we said to each other lingered in our heads.  Whispered deeply to our hearts. I told him...if only we were at this place in our lives when we met. Things would've been different.

I see my friends' concerned looks and frustration when I think about tonight. "Don't fall back Karen"is all the warning I keep hearing from past conversations with them..."he is not good for you". But with all the bad (and believe me, they are more memorable than the good)...there's so much good. 

But he is not the one. I believe that if someone really loved you, he won't intentionally hurt you. If someone really loved you, they would add to your happiness and make you feel secure about that relationship. You'd know. I mean, I know he loves me..but maybe the love he feels is more of a "I know you're a great person and I don't want to lose you....I love you....more as a friend, but less than what it means to be in a relationship".

I have to rent "Like Water for Chocolate" again. Maybe there's something I can get out of it. See...I'm thinking too much about what was said...when I shouldn't. Truly...if he loves me, I'd know..he'd show it..he'd try to win my heart again and gain my trust. Am I even making sense?

And if I truly love him...would I have all these issues...reservations? And I'd let him know too, but I guess I am just too weary. I've done that before and each time, I've been the one with the broken heart.  Things will go well for like 2 weeks, then he'll push away, say hurtful things, do hurtful things...and I'm back heartbroken again...and I can't do that. I am not willing to do that.

Right now, just being friends is good. Right now.....this is how it should be.