Tuesday night....didn't get called to go to Jury Duty for Wednesday..let's pray it continues to be this way..it's freakin' stressful!! I came to work to find out that someone decided to cover for me...which sucks..cuz i drove all the way from LA (about a 30 minute drive w/o traffic)...and I was tired.....but at least I get to go home. I'm putting in an hour to at least pay for gas....

On my way to work tonight, I was reminded of that girl at the corner on the street light where the freeway entrances start/end...and she dances with her sunglasses on at night. Dances provacatively...and for awhile I thought she was waiting for her ride....then I realized she was probably prostituting herself.....every so often I see her...and when I see her, I know life is tough..she doesn't do it often (so I hope)....but it's sombering...

On yahoo, I read that the prices of houses has increased rent so much in many states that most single family can't afford it. They have to share with other families (such is the case in Cali). I decide to read some comments and it's shocking to see so many ignorant people...people who say that if there was a need for housing for the poor then they'd be paid for it! WTF!  I was sick reading such BS...are there really people out there who don't get it? We all need to live. I know I get paid pretty well...and I've been paid very low as well....working at SC (although not minimum wage)....I was barely scraping by..how do people who clean after me afford to take care of their kids?

A heavy heart tonight. I feel a bit broken. A bit sad....I feel like I keep searching and I don't know (or can't) seem to find what I'm truly looking for.

Result

YourNameInJapanese is:

ka	ren
Singing	Love

The first kanji in your name means Singing and the second means Love.

This is not the only way that you can represent your name in Japanese. Below is a table of some other possible combinations you can choose.

ka	ren
Flower	Love
Singing	Link

heehee...SINGING LOVE....heehee....yeah, if it were only true!

SALUTATIONS!!

FIGHT ON!!! 

Okay....December is proving to be a good month so far!

I'm doing a lot better....no longer heartbroken...it's like a light went on in my head. I realized he'll never change -- especially if he continues to blame everyone and doesn't look within himself to change the problems in his life.

Anyway, I love the holidays. I still need to x-mas shop, but I love just everything right now. hahahaha. Probably b/c I get to talk to peeps I don't hear from often...and I have a lot more vacation time right now I want to write more, but I've been diddly dallying since I got here at work...and I do have a few x-mas cards to send...oh yeah, if you'd like one, please give me your addy have a great week!

Definitely one of the busiest days ever!! Work was a bit stressful that I felt my neck cramping! Can you believe that?  It was non-stop phone calls since I got in. Trying to make appointments for clients, verifying their insurance benefits, trying to get them into the unit, signing them in....everytime I felt I was close to finishing one inquiry, the phone rang and I got another one...and then another one.

By 430 I was glad to be out of there. I'm bummed I missed the art walk. Cedars has some very awesome art displayed throughout the hospitals. I think majority were donations and these donations cost millions now...so I had signed up for this art walk/exhibit that would give the background of the display and hopefully discussion on it's meaning, etc. But it started at 4pm (I usually get off at 4pm) but since we were understaffed today, I was asked to change my hours from 8am to 430pm today.

Coworker is leaving...I'm a bit bummed since I won't get to secretly crush on him (lol) and drool for that fact....but he wasn't happy any longer..so I'm glad for his break. Sadly, he's acting like a kid. I think he's going to call out sick the rest of the week....he's been so moody that he's even taking it out on me...oye!

Just when I thought the coast was clear....he freakin' text me...but i don't want to respond. I just don't see the point any longer. He hasn't even apologized and continues to blame me for such foolishness on his part. I can't deal with this crap any longer.....i just want to focus on me...

Okay..i've had only 2 hours of sleep...so I better say ciao and try to catch some zzzzz while it's quiet here.

I know it's been awhile since I've written. Vegas was great! I actually stayed up past 12am! Yay!!!  Avenue Q was awesome. Met a bunch of guys...but I was a good girl. I just chit chatted with them...people are so forward in Vegas...it's truly sin city!  Of course...the eyes did see a lot more than what they're willing to see...yah yah..I know it doesn't make sense..but it does to me.

It's been a stressful few days.  I have a lot on my plate that I have to figure out what to do (again). Healthwise...I'm okay..not great...and I'll have to get back to a routine (again).  Why is it so difficult to stick to a plan sometimes? I'm thinking about cutting my hours more. Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. What is important to me? What is important in my life?  Work is great and all. It pays the bills..it allows me to do a lot of extra things without worrying so much. But there's definitely a sacrifice. The first few years it was okay, but now that I'm nearing 30 (wow...I'm old), priorities are changing again. Making money (though important) is competing with health, quality time with family and friends...and the need to finally settle down. 

I went to Joseph's (a Greek Restaurant in Hollywood that turns into a bar/club at night) and ran into Jesse (the Director I use to date). It's been over a year since we last saw each other or even spoken to each other. He's had a tough year with several deaths in his family. 1 is hard enough, but 4 in a year? Damn. Anyway, he was saying how he was thiniking of moving to Peru and just selling whatever (like shoes)...and that he wants a family and kids. He felt like he's done everything. Followed his dreams. Was very successful..wealthy at the age of 22/23, lost most of it a few years later, etc. etc. But no matter what he pursued, he wasn't satisfied or happy. He had a successful music video debut, he had many many succesful directorial debuts...but he's not even directing right now. I told him he needs love in his life...and that moving to Peru and being a shoe salesman wouldn't satisfy him -- even if he had a family...cuz he's far too ambitious for that AND he'd want to give more if he had a family. 

That's where I'm at right now. I've been very fortunate to have very great jobs. Fortunate to get the jobs I apply for.  Financially, I'm doing well. Socially...okay. Health...eh (could be better). So now...my focus is no longer about money, it's now my health and finding someone (and I mean..no more putting up with guys that are commitment phobes). 

Which leads me to him. It was finally looking like things were going well with us. Our friendship going somewhere. We were finally on equal grounds. I was dating other peeps..so was he, but we were finally growing as friends....he even called me in Thailand...but he f'd up. Played a stupid game that in the end has pushed me far away from him. I miss him BUT I can't let myself get hurt like that.  He said things that I can no longer erase from my mind. If he truly sees me in that light then why would he want me in his life...and why would I want someone who's not supportive of me..who lies and hurts me?  It's one thing to admit to one's mistakes...but he's carrying on like he's done nothing...and after almost 6 years of knowing each other..he still doesn't know me.  That's why I'm stepping back. I can no longer keep trying. It's a losing battle. I love him...gosh do I love this man, but I will not accept someone in my life that doesn't care about me, know me, or understand me.  It takes a bigger person to accept what they've done wrong...and when I do something wrong, I admit to it..and I work things out with people...but I will not put up with lies, with pride, with anything or anyone that is not willing to try on their end. I am done running after them and trying to convince them that it's worth keeping. The way I see it, you want me in your life, then start acting like it.

Okay..that's it for now.

Upper management....

My coworker just got screwed...and not in a good way.  He was hired as our utilization reviewer for the ENTIRE psych department. At Cedars, there are 4 UR peeps for 51 people....at Northridge, he's the only UR person for 40 peeps.

What does a UR person do? He makes sure the hospital gets paid by talking to peep's insurance companies and coordinating nurses, doctors, family members and patient with their stay here.  It's a busy and stressful job.  Not only are u fighting on the phone with difficult insurance peeps who's trained to say "no" to practically everything (ok, I exaggerate...but it seriously can be difficult), but you're trying to get everyone who's directly responsible for this patient's care to basically help him move along to getting discharge out of the hospital.

After over 15 years (me thinks) working for CHW, a certain upper management person notifies him YESTERDAY (no prior discussions, no negotiation) that the job he was hired as an hourly employee is going to be switched to salary because "the rest of the medical staff are salaried"....THIS IS JUST WRONG.  If you get hired hourly, can management just say...btw, after 15 years, we're changing your pay type? Not only did they change his status (effective immediately), they made sure he didn't make close to what he makes. First off, he's the ONLY UR person that handles all the patients in the psych unit. In the medical center there's more than one UR person per department. Second, I think they got a chance to negotiate their salary. I hate this place sometimes. In fact, this hospital still owes me money from last year...it's straight bull. When I worked for Northridge SWC, we got $25 gift cards for the holidays....what did we get here at RBC? Lunch....and since I work nights, I didn't get that dinner (and although they offer it to their night employees, who wants to eat a cold lunch?)....granted, we did get a bonus which was more fair then Cedars....BUT....sometimes the management here do some illegal sh*t.

Like my other coworker who was working for SWC...she was really sick..I mean..hella sick...she has some sort of chronic illness that's not going to get better but worse through the years. Despite all this, she still shows up for work. She was on "worker's comp" for a few days and when she was feeling better, asked to get back to work. She was told "NO"...first off, what freakin' hospital says "no" when their employees ask to come back to work from worker's comp? They tell her that the doctor's notes say she can't lift heavy stuff so she can't come back to work. That's great and all, but we don't do any heavy lifting from our job description....and if so, all she has to do is not lift heavy sh*t. So she goes back to her doctor and asked him to remov that section since it has nothing to do with her job. He makes the appropriate changes...and get this...the hospital (and it's all political b/c they were closing down and she's been an employee a long long time and that would mean they'd have to pay her bank for severance pay) fires her b/c she tried to "deceive workman's comp"....can you believe that BS?

In the real world kids...no one has your back..not even your supervisor (cuz their jobs are at stake too).  I was lucky..I learned this by watching my mom...who worked her ass off for peeps in the University telling her she'll get this raise, they'll move her to this department with higher pay, etc. etc....only to find out..they couldn't follow through.  I like SC as a school, but as a place of work...it SUCKS (at least for most of the departments there). Of course it's messy when your bosses are the professors who sometimes get scared of other people b/c they yell and scream a lot. If there's one thing I learned working there for almost 3 years...don't waste your time. If you're unhappy..time to switch departments or move to another.

HOW AM I DOING?

I'm good. Going to Vegas this weekend with a group of friends.  Should be fun.  Got this 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite with complementary breakfast...so that's always nice. I am dating....and my friend did say something the other day that does make a lot of sense to me....if you're ready to settle down, then it should be okay to just tell that person what you're looking for and if he doesn't want that...then time to move on.

Easier said than done. At least for me.

So this dood I'm dating...he's ok...it's just i know it's not going to go anywhere. There's already things that bother me!! Like how he needs actual paper napkins instead of cloth napkins in the restaurant..i know...that's it karen??? there's more but I won't go into details.

Oh yeah...he called me from Thailand. I didn't expect a call while he was on vacation, but it's nice to know he was thinking of me....just too bad that it's also going nowhere...on his end (not mine).

Things I wish I did while I was in college and/or did immediately after I graduated:

* did a study abroad program
* spent one of my spring breaks volunteering to build a house
* Peace corps or US Corps
* dated some from my college (yeah..sounds weird, but I wish I did let myself be open to dating someone from 'SC...I just avoided it for many reasons though..mainly cuz I had a boyfriend, the other cuz I was shy...but I just didn't put myself out ther...like I said, I'm shy)

For the most part, I had a lot of opportunities while at SC. The sorority helped a lot, joining clubs helped too. Doing research, taking classes that interested me (vs. ones that were "safe") made life great. I lived on campus...I lived off campus...I commuted from my parent's pad....I went to two different places for Spring Break (Palm Springs my freshmen year with floormates & Hawaii my sophomore year)...I worked on campus..I went to a few football games...went to a few tailgates...I did a lot...(I mean, I partied hard, studied hard and have the grades to show)...but I wish I did more volunteer work. 

Travelling is so much better now that I have money in the bank to travel. But I think I want to plan a trip where it's also a learning experience. Granted, my trip to Thailand was a huge learning experience for me. For example, we are so lucky here in the US. We really do take things for granted. At least in the US, K-12 grade is paid for by our government (in Thailand....if you were poor...u're assed out and basically your future is to be uneducated and probably begging for money like your parents). Environmentally...we got to expand globally.....in Thailand, they use diesel because it's cheaper...Thailand is beautiful....each city we went to was so different. From serene Chang Mei to Busy Bangkok, to laid back Koh Samui, to a mixture of everything in Phuket....money goes a long way...although it's $10USD to pay for a pro (I got that info from our tour guide) it's a lot of money there....it's sad, but at the same time, sometimes they have no choice but to make a living. 

I was looking online and there are programs to volunteer for a week in the Philippines.  I think it's time that I actually get back to my culture and help out some how. I have deeper respect & appreciation for my parents.  How they made it here with only a suitcase full of clothes and a few $$ in their pockets to them being homeowners and providing their 3 kids the best they could despite their skin color, their accent, their culture of being not as aggressive in the workplace.....they have accomplished so much for themselves and the family. I am very fortunate..

I find myself withdrawing....it takes every energy for me right now to go out....all I want to do is stay home and chill...and think.

I got several bonuses this past week from both jobs. More than half will go to ING....I feel like I've been saving forever...and I still don't have enough down for a house, but things happen for a reason. It's just not my time to be a homeowner.

He said I was needy....I think we're all needy in some ways...We all need to feel connected. In the long run, I don't want to be alone...but I don't think I'm needy now compared to when he met me.  I hardly call him, write him...I've never asked him for anything...all I do is give. Thank goodness for coworker...he helped me put things into perspective. I'm still trying to figure things out though. The funniest thing he said was that for first impressions, I come off as stuck up...then he says "but once I got to know u...you're cool...you usually come in laid back"...I had to laugh about the stuck up comment though b/c I've never gotten that before! But I can see why. I'm very business when it comes to work. I rarely make small talk and chit chat about personal stuff...and majority of the time...it's because I'm shy! Seriously...I'm shy.

I need a calling in my life! I was watching "Born into brothels" and it was so inspiring. Amazing how one person can be the catalyst to change so many lives!  Now I know I have that opportunity with the job I have. I know I've saved some lives through the years. I've prevented people from killing themselves....it's just....I guess my line of work can be more depressing tham enlightening! Maybe I should be doing something artistic....I use to be so into everything! I mean...I did claymation, drew, did arts and crafts, even had scrapbooking as a hobby....but life just....I really need to do a priority list! AND...I need a winter hobby.

---

I don't want to be that person closed off from you....but I can't help it. Like I said, I've shut down cuz I don't want my words...my thoughts...my feelings used against me. A lot of my re/actions stem from my experiences with you....but another chunk of it has to do with the people I've met throughout my life....I use to be so trusting...a big sucker...

Yet I know you're trying...I know you want to be friends. You're much more patient, but at the same time..I am not easily fooled. And though my heart is sentimental...my mind is strong and questions everything that happens (or doesn't happen)....if we are to be friends why do we hide things? You haven't done anything to earn my love....but I do love you...but this time, I love me too and I'm not going to get hurt...

---

If you don't use it...you lose it. For example, when I was younger, I had perfect pitch...but my mom was so mad that I quit accordian (yep..I was a big nerd..but hey, that's when everyone and their mama was taking accordian cuz it was hot) classes...she was so mad that all that hard earned money she put on me...was wasted...but seriously..it's hard when you're 9y.o. and have to practice at 8pm...i mean, the noise wasn't pretty!!  so now...I not only can't read notes very well..I don't have perfect pitch.... alright..enough of my ramblings....until next time 

My cruise was "FUN TIMES"!!  Every freakin' day was spent drinking....some dancin'...some more drinkin'....some funny sh*t happening to someone!! Will definitely plan on a 7 day cruise in the future.

Birthday came and went....thanks to the friends that watch me barf the night away...i swear i don't remember taking those pics!! But damn, do i look wasted!

There's a lot more things going on.....but will update later. Doing well....having fun....kinda dating....

So I'm a NERD....I'm bummed Warrick (from CSI Vegas) is married!! hahaha. I really wanted to see him and the reddish blonde girl (her name escapes my mind right now) hook up!! Oh well....

Went to happy hour at Barefoot yesterday...met some cool peeps.  Lynnise wish you were there..it would've been good times!! LOL.  Woosa showed me a new place to hooka...I'm so going to be there more often.

2 more weeks until my cruise!! I can't wait!!

Whenever I feel like I'm getting attach, I find myself pushing away. I want to take this cooking class that my favorite place to shop **William Sonoma** is offering at the Beverly Center.....but...I need to save money for now. I have the cruise and Vegas the next month!  Where should I go for next year?? Besides Hawaii...I think I should go to Europe.....(only time will tell). I'm still putting aside money for a down for a house...I'm in no rush...things are cool right now.  Okie dokes..until next time