My best thoughts happen when I'm driving. I had all these things I wanted to write tonight, but now I'm at a blank....give me a few minutes, I'm sure I'll come up with something

A part of me has died. I'm no longer youthful, I feel myself aging. I feel myself older...way older than my actual age. I think working 2 jobs has added to this feeling and definitely contributes to my aging body. I think having experienced 2 extreme shocking heartaches in my life have added to the aging of my face. A part of me has died. I've created a wall that won't allow anyone to get close. A wall to protect me from getting hurt. From feeling deep pain ever again. I am not that girl who saw the world in a different light. I've become the aging woman that's just going with the flow. Working to survive...working to do what I want...and yet I feel like I have no time to really do what I want.

Like this house buying crap. It's so freakin' stressful. I have friends who make way less than me and they own a home....and here I am...I can't even come up with a big enough deposit. Give me 4 years and I'll be able to put a nice down BUT 4 years from now I probably won't even be able to afford a house. And why do I want a house so bad?? So that I don't have to pay Uncle Sam so much. and yet even if I bought a home, I won't even enjoy it cuz I work mad hours....then, there's the simple fact that I don't know if I want to live in California forever! I mean, LA is way too crowded now. Prices keep going up but people's wages aren't going up to meet these prices (which is clearly seen by seeing bisou bisou at JC Penney), but the main reason...I can't stand traffic. I can't stand waiting for even an hour in traffic to drive 15 miles! I keep thinking..maybe I should save as much as I can until I can...then move someplace where my money can go a long way.

I also need to finish up school.

THEN THE MEN COME TO PLAY...He asked me what my situation is with the other boy. I tell him that the boy is my friend. He says, "like the way we're friends?". Why does it matter now? Why does he care? Last I checked, he didn't want a relationship. Last I checked he didn't want anything. Last I checked, I wasn't his girlfriend, nor was he making the effort in trying to hang out with me. So why does it matter? So I call him out on this...he says "nevermind, it's apparent the boy is a touchy subject for me"...it's not that the boy is a touchy subject, my question is "why does it matter to him now?". He says he doesn't want to lead me on...says he feels he's broken. He's not good with relationships. Feels he'll be single forever. Yet I internalize everything. Am I too difficult? Am I too talkative? Am I ugly? Is it my looks? My weight? My opinions? I hate the "it's not you, but me" speech...and yet, it's very true. I had to give that to Filipino boy...but in retrospect, it was him! ha ha ha. I couldn't see myself with someone who lost his temper too easily, who was too homophobic for my taste, too aggressive for me...yes he was nice, but I just didn't like him in that way....well, I guess the "it's not you, but me" speech doesn't apply to this situation, eh?  I am lost. I need to go out more. I need to rest.

And speaking of rest...that's what I'm going to do now. Long week for me....very long week for me.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6959988/site/newsweek/

So here's my rant for the day....it happened a few days ago. BUT I have to say, if someone was using a car to run me over...I probably would've reacted the same.  Instead of quickly blaming the cops (who followed them with sirens blazing -- apparently drunk driving --> being more of a harm to the community)...what about "blaming" the parents who let their 13 year old kids drink (breaking the law), steal cars (breaking the law), disobey the law by not stopping and allowing a chase to happen (BTW, again, breaking the law), then one running away by foot (yup, breaking the law), then using a car (now a WEAPON) to run over a cop (BTW, also a HUMAN BEING..not just some pig). Sometimes, it's not always black and white..sometimes it's not a race issue....in this case, I would say, it's a matter for survival. The car was used as a weapon....and one shouldn't use what the community has seen/experienced in the past as a just reason to blame the cops --> EVERY situation is different. Rodney King, yes excessive. Kid shot in a parking lot while asleep, yes, excessive. But this?? It's just an event gone wrong with a bad outcome at the end.

So I called out sick last night for Northridge. It was a freakin' busy Monday at Cedars. I got scheduled to come in a 1/2 hour late. Which didn't matter much cuz there was no traffic due to the holiday season. I ended up doing a quick shopping spree at Ralphs. Bought some coffee, creamer and pound cake to share with my coworkers. Then headed to work....and kept working til 430pm. It was the first time in years where I seriously had to keep shaking my hands from cramping. I'm currently working on this database project for Cedars...hopefully it'll impress the big wigs there and I'll get a nice raise (hopefully).

I had every intention to head out to work, but I so needed some TLC. At 7pm the boy calls and ask if I can hang out with him for the night....yeah, call me a bad worker bee, but it was so worth it. We actually spent some quality time....usually, I end up sitting in the living room watching tv while he does his "errands" around the house. Last night was different though. He spent a few minutes doing stuff around the house, then he sat next to me watching news, CSI, and Growing up Gotti (in-between commercials). It's a weird feeling knowing that I do care about this boy...want him to be happy and know he'll always be a friend...but also finally knowing I don't love him that way anymore. I just like the company and that's that.  IT'S SCARY cuz sometimes I fear I'll never let myself get emotionally vulnerable like the way I was with him. I JUST CAN'T SEE MYSELF IN THAT POSITION.

So he went to work and gave me the house keys (cuz he changed his doors where you need a key to lock the doors from the outside and nothing in the inside can automatically lock it) and instructed me where to put the key once I leave. Cute huh?

I finally got up at 8am, fixed his bed...threw the trash (cuz i had food in it and didn't know when he'd be back home) and headed out to my parents.

The traffic was brutal! Road construction on a rainy day is NOT a good idea, but with all the potholes created from the rain, I guess it is necessary. So I went to look at a house in Monrovia. 2 bedroom, 1 bath home. Cute...really really small house, but it has potential..and if it's just for me, it's a really good size.  A lot to fix though...it does have that "old' smell, but that's fixable. Underneath the gross carpet is the original hardwood floors, so I can actually get that fixed first. Then, remove the carpet in the bedroom. The washer and dryer is right next to the 50s style kitchen (seriously...it's an old looking kitchen) but like I said, doable. I definitely would need to get tiles in the kitchen and bathroom....AND...a new roof...overall, I liked it. There's a nice backyard (and patio area). I can actually add a jacuzzi in the long run. There's no "master bedroom" though...I might have to tear down a wall but we'll see....all in due time.

Okie dokes, I have to get back to work. I'll let you know if I end up bidding on that house. I know I should keep looking around though.

Lately the hardest part about going to work has been getting up!! I got my check today and I was a bit stunned that it wasn't so bad of a cut as I thought (which is a really good thing)  I made just enough to pay for rent and utilities. Overall, I'm enjoying my job tonight. The good part about being single....I can work a lot of hours and not feel so guilty.

My trip to Thailand is completely paid for...all I'm waiting  for now is the vacation approval for my cruise in October! That way I can call Shacy's hookup (aka Chris -->her man, heehee) to hook up the cruise for me and my friends! I'm also excited about this AND it's cool because I can actually take a class next semester! It's so DOable!

I haven't really mentioned much about my love life (besides the lack of it for V-day) but that's because there's no love interest. I'm finding myself a lot more comfortable being alone. I had a phase starting last November until mid January where I was in love with the thought of being in love! Actually, I think I was really open to meeting people and actually letting someone in. But now...I'm pretty content with being single again. So much so that I can't picture myself in any long term relationship. It's probably normal of us long term single gals to feel this way though. 

All my plans right now...well, it solely of me. While others think of buying a house with a S.O., travelling with an S.O., and all the other couple stuff that couples do....I totally see myself alone in a house of my own (or travelling alone). Also, the thought of just meeting new people is more exciting now. The way I felt in College. Maybe it's because I'm in a position where there's so many things going on in my life that the opportunities seem endless AND choices are everywhere.

I would like to concentrate more on working out again. I found a boxing gym! Well, I'm not sure if it's professional boxing training, but hopefully they offer classes because I would totally love to take them!! That would be hella cool!

So what else is new with me? NOTHING. I'm going to see a house on Sunday. Hopefully I'll like it and it's totally in my price range. So I'm gonna hope it's a good one! But I'm in no rush yet. Okie dokes, gotta get back to work. For the few peeps that actually read this, I hope you have a great day!

UPDATED

I'm really glad I took a few days off (despite the stress of knowing I'm getting a small paycheck this week and next week)....but it was much needed! It's amazing how a few days of rest can really help a girl out!

I spent V-Day at Burke Williams with Cheryl. My first ever spa experience and it was soooo much fun! The 90-minute massage I got was awesome! My dood was really nice and I felt like I got my money's worth. In addition, my skin was so soft and clean!!! My face (b/c I spent so much time in the jacuzzi and steam rooms) was so soft and shiny afterwards! I'm definitely going to have to do this again!! I was a little apprehensive about walking around naked since I'm seriously body shy. I don't mind changing infront of girlfriends to an outfit (but I usually have my unmentionables on)! So I was kinda scared at first, but after walking around the area (they separate men and women) and seeing naked bodies all over, it didn't matter anymore. Okay, I kinda cheated, I still wore a bikini bottom. I didn't tell the guy that it was my first ever spa experience, but after a boo boo with me laying on top of the sheets (apparently you had to go underneath and I didn't know this), he figured it out. He told me that I had good muscles because I was able to handle a lot of pressure...Steph, is this true? Anyway, he was really nice and attentive making sure to let me know to tell him if it's too much pressure or if I wanted more pressure or if I wanted to concentrate on a specific area. If you've never done a spa day, I highly recommend it and if you go to the Burke Williams on Sunset, ask for George!

okie dokes, I mean to write more, but I have to get back to work....

I know it's been awhile. I've been sick with pink eye and had to call out sick from both jobs! So I'll be getting a small paycheck the next few weeks  Which really sucks b/c it's getting pretty tight w/ money (again). Toyota just found a hole in my transmission (which I so don't understand why they didn't see that in the first place when my freakin' tow guy saw it initially)! So another week (hopefully just a week) with hassling with my insurance guy again. It's not really my adjustor that's the problem, it's their estimator dood that doesn't seem to get back to Toyota in a timely manner! I mean, it took him 4 days to inspect my car!! I couldn't freakin' believe this crap! Besides the car crapand the car rental crap....I'm exhausted.

Right now, I'm currently debating if I should get some PTO out since I do need the money. It was not a good time to be sick this week b/c I'm on vacation for 3 days at Northridge (and I already had to call out sick for 3 days...so that's 6 days I'm not getting paid!). I can request for PTO, but I need vacation days for my trip to Thailand!! I just need to keep working more hours!

I guess part of my stress is the fact that I'm trying so hard to put some money aside to put a down for a house. I don't know about you, but I sure don't have 100K down (if I were to put 20% down on a $500,000 house) or 50K if I decided to just put 10% down! I wish I was able to put over 2K a month aside to put towards a down for a house purchase...but I can't! The first few years as a working gal I made jack and now, well...the houses are ridiculously priced!

It's much harder working 2 full time jobs and going to school! It's harder when you have other responsibilities that school can't be a priority right now.  I'm not really complaining b/c I know I'm very fortunate.

Okie dokes, hope y'all are doign well!! If you're free for a 3 day cruise to Ensenada..lemme know!!  (ya ya...it's really affordable and it's for my b-day)...one of the few things I'm allowing myself to spend mulah on!

So I am officially going to Thailand!!

Busy week...been working nonstop 72 hour weeks lately. It's all good though! Gotta save mulah for my trip and my bills! Toyota is FINALLY working on my car. It's gonna cost me $730...but at least I'll get my car back...then there's that rental I have to pay! 2005 is the year I spend a lot of money  but we all work to spend right?

I have to go back and fill up some more paperwork for that mortgage thang.

Other news...might also go on a cruise to Mexico for my b-day!! The only prob...the other person that's celebrating his b-day wants a 3 day...and I want the 5 day...so...we'll see.

Alright...i have so many things to do!!  Beauty day with Angelica today, then sujin's b-day!

Cardio and weight class today was freakin' hard. Abby was out...and it was Crystal. But I liked her weight class at lot more b/c halfway through, my arms and legs were freakin' shaking!!

So far, the past two weeks have been good. I've been watching what I eat and been working out! Of course, I still need to add one more day, but at least I'm being consistent again.

As for finances...my car is still in the shop and I'm still paying rental coverage...and I'm feeling the funds running low. I estimated this month alone in bills (b/c of all this car crap) is over 3K! WTF!!! I need to stop buying gifts and I really need to get that damn car fixed! Worse?? The 3K doesn't even include the $500 DED I have to pay!

Anyway, today I was suppose to go fill out some mortgage loan forms, but no success. My mom was sick and she didn't have the forms at home. So I drove all the way to the other valley for nothing! I could've driven around to see those houses on my list...Lately, I feel like there's so much to do and yet so very little time.

So I'm missing him!  I miss seeing him, talking to him...hanging out with him --> even if I saw him once a week.  He's been so busy with work there...I'm just trying to figure out when I can get some time off to visit him. 

Tough decisions! Do I stay here? My friends, my family, my job(s)...everything is here....or do I move? I'm not going to decide now....but I know I miss him more than I thought I would. I need to get a life!

ANYWAY, Friday nite, spent it with the girls in Fullerton. Fun Times! Partied at ziings and...well..let's just say it was fun for everyone! I can't drink anymore!! Besides turning red like a tomatoe, I now get headaches! Special thanks to Rana for the countless free hookups! I owe u one girl!!

The girls at Cheryl's b-day bash after all the other guest left.

 The gift certificate to Burke Williams

 Ed, Shauna, me and Cheryl....look at all those freakin' empty glasses It was all Cheryl's!!