http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070625/ap_on_re_us/67_million_pants

Finally! Common sense prevails! Hopefully there'll be more outcomes like this. Ridiculous is all I have to say to the guy that filed the lawsuit. Kudos to the judge.

So after a week of finally coming back from a two week stint, I have not seen hapa...and guess what, he's on another business trip (for a few days and in the states this time) this week. He did say he got me a gift from his trip to China. I smiled when I found out cuz I never expected him to do so. Thinking about it, I don't think I've had a guy buy me anything from a trip overseas. But I'm gonna have to find out what he got me when he comes back.  (sigh).

I am feeling a whole lot better today. After the spa Wednesday night, my spirits are up. I was able to sleep in (cuz I took the night off) and get up to do my errands. Looking forward to next week where I actually have 3 consecutive days off!! It's going to be so good!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070619/ap_on_re_us/poverty_plan

You got to be kidding me? I once told my teachers in high school that the students that get the most recognition are the ones that are either very smart or the ones that cause trouble. Everyone else falls between the cracks (sort of speak). Everyone else brings decent grades, don't make much trouble...are overall good kids, but they oftentimes never got recognized. Majority of these students got their positive feedback from friends, family members but probably most of all from themselves. That inner will to just be a good student....which will eventually lead them to be productive good citizens.

Now you read that article above and I'm thinking....so the poverish people in NYC (according to the article it's been implemented in other countries, but this experimental rewards program is going to happen here) get paid to be poor? WTF! I'm sorry but from what I see already, the poor have many resources and tax breaks. I agree, it is harder for them to live. But what about middle America? What about the ones that make too much to qualify for any government help but make very little to afford going one night of inpatient stay at a hospital (without borrowing money from credit cards or dipping into a very small retirement account...basically going into debt when they are already living paycheck-to-paycheck)? Sure this experiment is done by private funds...but you know what this is telling me?? Better to be poor...cuz when you're poor, you can get free healthcare, assistance to buy food...you can even qualify for subsidize housing, cheaper phone bill and electicity rates.  For middle America the good choices we've made to be good citizens...well, it's through hard work as well. But you don't see any type of help out there for middle America. They make too much (b/c they happen to own a house or if not own, make just above the poverty level) but they don't make enough to pay for doctor bills? Yet, we are rewarding poor parents to go to teacher-parent conferences?? It just doesn't make sense to me.

My coworker's mother, a few years ago before her death, was very ill. They were retired. Not a lot of money (enough set aside to live on). They live frugally and their 3 kids helped them out. When the mother became very ill and stayed in the hospital for days...I know financially my coworker was struggling. The parents worked hard in the US for many many years. They raised 3 kids that contribute to the economy and not drain money from the goverment. They weren't born in the US but they raised their kids to make good decisions. Go to school. Study hard. Be productive adults.They never once asked for help. But now that they were struggling financially (remember they were retired) they still couldn't qualify for any government program because they owned a home (which they considered income).....but they worked their ass off to pay for this house, and the government is telling them "we can't help with any healthcare fees b/c you own a home and that's an income?". So WTF , where do they live/move to then to qualify...a cardboard box?

A few days later, one of my social workers was talking to an uninsured couple that just gave birth. Neither of them had steady jobs or a job with benefits (a rant I will leave for another time). The social worker asks the couple, what are your plans? You plan on getting work? The husband replies, "why work when the government will pay for us"? Even in their country they don't get help, but here they are milking the economy. But here they are getting government assitance with the mentality of "I don't have to work, we get paid to be poor..." and you know what that guy said?? He actually told the social worker he wants to have more kids and plans on starting that as soon as possible. First off, it's sad b/c their kids are going to grow up with so many hardships. Yes, they'll get assistance to pay for food, etc. But growing up, they will have it tough. Never get the latest trendy clothes, the latest gadgets, makeup, shoes, etc. etc. The place they'll live in may not be the best housing out there...but you know what, at least they get a break.  But what bothers me the most, is that mentality...why do i have to work when good 'ole Uncle Sam is willing to pay for me?? It's so backwards sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about helping the poor. It is definitely a responsibilty we as human beings should have. Compassion to help those needier than us. I definitely believe there should be programs out there to help those that can't help themselves. The mentally ill who can't function enough to hold a steady job. The kid with learning disability to attend extra free tutoring classes. The homeless shelters that also provide food.  The extracurricular after school acitivities for kids to attend to avoid joining gangs. Reading/tutoring programs for those that need it. I'm all for that.

But to set aside money for "just the poor" to attend school, go to parent teacher conferences, visiting the dentist...isn't it a bit unfair? If you're going to do that, I say make it fair across the board. If you're going to reward such things, reward it across the board. Because attending parent-teacher conference, seeing a dentist, going to the doctor....these are choices one makes throughout their lives.  There's already breaks for the poor to get free mental, dental and healthcare coverage. Now we're going to give them money for their kids to graduate? Sh*t, that's called making good decisions and you know what.....that's all about upbringing and values. Everyone across the board have equal opportunity to make those decisions. The family whose financially struggling can still instill the importance of going to school and bringing the grades home so that they can have a better future.

My parents came to the US with very little money. They worked wherever they could at first. They looked long term. Made good decisions. Instilled morals in their children and told us the importance of education. If my parents who had a few dollars on them can be where they are today without the help of the governement, then why can't others? I'm sure this will be found from many other people whose parents came here. Yeah I didn't get the latest trendy clothes (most of mine were hand-me-downs). We never had back-to-school shopping sprees. We didn't have the latest computers (my mom would buy from the old job the computer they were going to throw away). My parents learned to speak English (granted, it's practically a 2nd language in their motherland)...but you know what, there are many people from many countries that come to LIVE here and learn the language. Most of them don't have the mentality of "you have to speak my language"! It's such an absurd idea...like me planning to move permanently to Russia and I plan on never learning the language there...absurd! 

Yet here we are...in the good 'ole USA and we are so backwards sometimes. I have no problems with incentives, but like I said, make it across the board. 

On a side note, Arnold the CA governator said something last week that got him some heat. The thing is, he just said what probably many people are thinking and feeling.  Also random...when CA got rid of affirmative action (which I do believe was a good thing...affirmative action that is...not the getting rid part) I remember my grad student saying "Affirmative action might have gotten me in, but my hard work made sure I stayed in".  Just something to think about.... 

Almost a month and all I can say is I've only lost 2 pounds...actually, I had lost 2 lbs, gained 1.6 and lost the 1.6 again.  I seriously need some sort of motivation to stay in the program! You'd think the thought of death by heart disease would be a good motivating factor, but it hasn't seem to be working on me yet. 

I was suppose to work last night, but I was so exhausted I couldn't even get myself to get up. My body felt so heavy to wake that I just couldn't get myself up after 2 hours of sleep. Yes...I know, I do feel like I'm slowly killing myself with this work schedule. However, the sleep did wonders. I feel so refreshed and awake and I feel sooooo much better. I know...I need to cut my night job! I so need to do it!! BUT financially, I would be struggling and I can't have that.

I'm debating if I should head out to the spa...I was just there this past Saturday, but i felt so good that I think I should just go there and use the facilities....hmmm...choices choices....

This is going to be short...I had more to write, but work is gettig busy..so better bounce...

It's been crazy busy here....things are happening so quickly that I rarely have time to stop and take a breath to enjoy the moment.  Chicago Guy did tell me he was looking for a more serious relationship with me, but after the 3rd cancelled date using "no money at this time" as a reason, I basically couldn't take him seriously.  I basically told him that all I could offer was friendship at this time.

It didn't help that things with hapa is strangely okay.  I don't know what it is....and that's okay too. I'm keeping my options open though...but it's been interesting so far.

Work has been mad busy.  I've been mad tired. Working back-to-back-to-back-to-back with 4 hours in between jobs at night to sleep....is draining. Sadly, it has messed up my body's chemical balance and I need to go make another appointment with the doctor to see what I need to do.  But I need the money right now. With weddings and trips coming up...it's a necessity that I work. (sigh).

I know i'm a bit secretive right now. Not talking much about the bullsh*t in my life or the good stuff as well...but it's like, I don't want to say much just in case it blows over...lol.  Only time will tell.

So I didn't ask in person. It started off typical. A text about hanging out. Hanging out with friends. Planning a day to hang out. I had meant to ask him in person where this was going, but he had said something that basically made me ask then and there. I told him that I like him, but I needed to know if he's been with anyone since we've been dating. He says he hasn't, but he's not looking for a serious relationship right now.

I've been on the other side before. So I know. I'm just not "girlfriend" material for him. So I told him that I just don't casually date people. After two months, you're either dating me or you're not. I don't do the casual thing because there's no point to it. If it's leading to nowhere (and i'm definitely looking for it to move fwd to something) then I don't want to waste any more of our time. If I didn't like him so, I probably would've just let this go on and on until I got bored or found someone else. Truth is, I did like him. I had hoped it was going somewhere. I just don't want to be waiting like my friends who are in relationships that have no title. For 2 freakin' years!! Hell no. Yeah, you may like me. You may only be dating me, but if you're not looking for anything serious....then F this! I've manage to choose men that aren't looking.

I always fall for that sh*t! The nice guy that gives me the attention I want. As I think about him, I wonder why the F did he keep texting me every freakin' day when he wasn't interested at all?

G was right. He had told me "he may like you, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you". WTF!! I don't get this sh*t at all. At least this time around it was sooner than later. At least I didn't waste almost a year getting to know him to find out "hey, I have commitment issues"...and I have no one to blame but me for constantly and consistenly choosing the wrong guys! I fall for those that seem to want to spend time with me, give me attention, etc. etc....and what happens?

A few years ago, I would've put up with this sh*t. I would've waited and hoped maybe...if time passes and he'd change his mind. What I've learned....they never do. At least this time around I was able to be upfront and look out for myself and put myself first. I didn't shy away and basically told him that I just don't see the point then in dating. I'm the type to get attach if I spend more time with someone I like...and I like him...and the more I hear from him, hang out with him, etc...i'd want more...and b/c he can't give me that, I just gotta walk away. I said the only thing I can offer is friendship...and even that, I'm not too sure about. I already know I'm not going to be the one initiating the phone calls or making plans to hang out. I just don't see the point.

Anyway, I've been refocusing (again). Since my coworker joined the gym, it's going to be nice having someone come w/ me right after work. We've planned to workout on Fridays. I workout at home Mondays-Wednesdays. Thursday I go to the gym right after work and do some sort of cardio. Friday workout with my coworker. Saturday go to weight class. I hope to see some improvement at the end of this month. I had gained the weight I had lost the past few months cuz I was slacking...but I'm back...more determined than ever. I'm actually writing everything that I eat down. I figure if I write it down, I'm going to feel more accountable for it. So far, I'm doing really good with the "no carbs" at night deal. So in a month...I better see some damn improvements. No pain no gain, right?

I don't think it's a good thing to put two patients with the same name and diagnosis (especially if it's dementia) in the same room. Personally, I feel it increases the chances of making a mistake. If you're a visiting nurse and don't know the patient that well (or don't realize there's two "john does" in the room) you're pretty screwed cuz if they can't remember things, how do you know they are going to remember themselves or give you the right information? Sure you can look at their wrist tag, but sometimes they take it off or you just take it for granted that john is the only "john" in the room.

So, there's this kid here...and I say kid cuz she's 13 and it's sad. Sad because at such an early age, she's so depressed that she wants to die. What would I do if my mother was in jail due to a mental illness and you're left with a grandmother who can barely take care of herself and now has to take care of you? The dad is out of the picture in this case (men, love your children, don't be a dead beat). How would I handle this? Rightly so, she feels depressed and angry.  There's really no one she can turn to. She's probably felt lonely and unloved for a very long time. Yeah, she has relatives that are concerned about her, but having parents to show guidance does wonders. We all need to be loved and know that our parents care about us. But when they are out of the picture, you just know there's something missing there. So young and a future ahead, and all she can see is loneliness and despair. All she can think of is depression.

Then there's this late teen, almost 18 y.o. diagnosed with schizophrenia and he's telling coworkers he wants to get a gun and shoot himself....and you know what I'm thinking? This kid is going to be screwed...he's definitely going to lose his job when he gets out. After the recent incident a VT, I'm sure we're all very sensitive about our safety...if I was the owner, I'd be very concerned my staff and my safety. What do you do?

It's hard having a chronic disease b/c you know it's always going to be there. You're always going to have to take your medication forever. Every day of your life. You better make sure you have a job so you can have insurance or at least pay for the meds. But when you're sick, how do you even get a steady job? How do you earn money to pay for your medication? Personally, it should be fair across the board....but what do I know?

It helps to have money to get the best treatment possible. What's funny are those "rich" people who insist they be seen now. They pull the trump card (like they do for their kids attending universities where they donate x amount of $$$). I thought donation meant you weren't looking for something in return and actually doing this b/c you want to (yeah, a nice tax incentive helps too). In a hospital, it's outrageous how some "donators" use that card to get "special priveleges"...as if they deserve more care and attention than those who are just as sick as they are? Sure, pay for the doctor with more experience and charges more, but seriously, do you really think that we should bump patients out of their scheduled appointments or make special appointments for you? It's really ridiculous. What's funny are those "rich" people who insists they be put in the better unit (those who aren't suffering from schizophrenia, psychosis nos, etc.) but you can see their relative needs to be in that unit. What do you do or say to that? Thank goodness there are doctors/nurses and administrators that hold their ground and put a stop to things like this (even if it's only sometimes they prevail..at least it's one that they have won). I guess when you get whatever you want b/c you usually do (after all, money speaks) one forgets tact, humility, empathy, and basically really trying to put yourself in that person's position.

I got this call today from a mother. We have standard operating procedures. She wants to set up an appointment for her child. I tell her that her child needs an initial evaluation. The child was never seen at our clinic (but has been seen @ other clinics). She refuses to set an initial evaluation. Stating she has one from another facility. All I can think of is this, it's no wonder your child has issues. If she can't grasp the concept that all facilities do things differently, evaluate differently, etc....all I'm saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Then I can't help but laugh (internally of course) when she threatens to take her child somewhere else if she can't see the doctor she wants to see. LOL. C'mon now, are we in kindergarten? Do you really think I care if you decide to go some place else? Lady, it's a free world! If you want your child to be seen somewhere else, go for it! If you want your child to be seen at our clinic? You gotta follow our standard operating procedures. We've never met your child. Never evaluated your child. What if the person that saw your child at the other facility diagnosed your child incorrectly. Now can you understand why we do our own evalutions? Why every place you'll encounter won't really rely on other facilities evaluations until they do their own? If you're so adamant on your child seeing a doctor, then go to that first clinic. It'll be easier. Afterall, they already have evaluated your child, right?

I just wonder why people lack common sense.

Seriously, our world can be so f'd up! Like that judge who's suing the dry cleaner because they lost 2 of his pants for over $1 million?? C'mon! How can I ever take that judge seriously. Abusing the system like that. After all, the dry cleaner (and many others would say) offered 3x the price of the pants. I think that's a damn fair bargain....what did they do for you to waste tax payer's $$? A judge!! I hope he gets plenty of hate mails...and get fired for being ridiculously absurd. I'd say stupid, but remember the lady that sued McDonald's because she burned herself for hot coffee?? What has our society turn into? A freakin' sue happy society. What happened to morals. To understanding and forgiveness...to faith. We preach to our kids love thy neighbor, do unto others and you've have them done onto you, etc. etc., but it's no wonder many kids today are disrespectful. Look what they have to see out there? Paris Hilton getting away countless times with drunk driving. You know what, if she wasn't so well known, she'd be in jail right now....and more than a months worth. No judge would say "oh I'm sorry you didn't know your license was suspended"....if you were unknown and did that kind of stunt, you know there would be no tolerance to that crap. She's definitely one girl that needs a reality check (no pun intended).

On another topic, I'm doing okay. I worked out today. I've decided to do that more. I've been slacking for awhile and I can seriously feel that I've gained all the weight I lost (again). So hopefully, this time around, I'll hang in there longer and just stick to no carbs at night. Cut the sodas (even diet) to a minimal. Increase the vegetables and salads...cut the snacks (chips...oh man, that's going to be hard cuz I love munching on those, but they really don't provide much healthy benefits anyway). I'm actually coming to work all three nights this week. Which is a good thing since I bought more contacts and bought some clothes a few weeks ago. I'm actually testing K right now. I want to see how long it's going to take him to contact me. Well, I better sign out...try to get some more zzz in since it's quiet. That's another thing I'm trying to do again here...try to sleep. As for Barcopa, I decided that I will eventually talk to him, but right now I'm not going to sweat it. For some reason, when I do that, it seems like I get more feedback than if I act like I'm interested. Why is that?

So plans for the weekend didn't go as planned. Saturday I didn't go to Olvera Street. Was so tired that I just stayed home during the day. Even the thought of drinking didn't appeal to me. I did drink a margarita w/ my cousin (which basically sent me sleeping). Got up, went to that carneceria place near SC to find out they remodeled and couldn't find carne asada...so we ended up at Ralph's. Went to Angelica's place and basically chilled, ate, drank and talked. It was a nice evening.

Sunday...I had every intentions to go to work early cuz I had to be at Joan's good-bye party. It started at noon. Of course I didn't get my arse out until noon time to go to work, then went to my hometown (with a stop at Target for gifts). Stayed at Joan's for awhile. Nice seeing old faces. Bernie and Rommel asked me to be Michael's godparent. I happily accepted. 

Didn't get home until close to midnight, but couldn't go to sleep. Stayed up for awhile, went to work....and somehow...despite the fact that I wanted to get out of there (and was actually counting down the hours), I managed to stay 1/2 an hour late. For some odd reason, I thought I had to work til 4:30pm today...which is crazy cuz I never leave at that time...ever! My boss had to remind me and at first I was like "what are you talking about?"....then I realized I f'd up and tried finishing the admission that I was working on ASAP. Granted, someone else could've done it, but I started it...might as well end it.

I've decided that I need to know where I stand. I've given him 3 ways out of seeing me...and he hasn't taken it. He seems interested, but his actions don't show it lately. At first it did...and that's what freakin' won me over, but now??? I'm just confused....I just want to know exactly what we are doing. I know we're dating, but are we exclusively dating each other? Or are we open to dating other people? I really like him, but at the same time I feel like it's taking too long to get to know him. Plus I figure since he asked last week about a personal question, I should at least be able to ask him the same...why I didn't ask at that time, I have no clue.  Heck, I haven't even asked what company he works for! What is it with me and not following through on questions? Has K affected me so much that I am just waiting too long...afraid to ask.  

I'm not really good at dating. I mean, when I like someone, I tend to just want to hang out with that person...and when I don't, they either end up in the "friends" category OR "goodbye nice meeting you" category.  Furthermore, my friend still wants to set up a blind date but I feel weird going on another date because...I feel like I'm going behind him....unless he's doing the same, then I wouldn't feel bad. Then there's Chicago. I thought I made it clear that I'm only looking for friendship, I have a feeling he wants to date. As mentioned before, we seem to hit it off on the conversation section. He's nice and he's ready to settle down, etc. etc. BUT (and this may sound so superficial) I know the reason why I'm not really interested is because he isn't there in his career.  Not financially there. I hate that it's such an issue for me, but it is. I really need to talk to Barcopa b/c right now, I'm not really sure where I stand. 

Seriously...I wasn't suppose to like anyone until after October!! After my trips!! Okay...I need to take a nap before I go to the morning job.... ugh, I know, I seriously need to stop and start thinking hard about how long I want to go on living this way with the two jobs....it's getting harder the older I get. I so love my sleep nowadays!

Had dinner w/ a friend from the past (as well as current friend) last night. It was really nice. It's amazing what Friendster and MySpace has allowed us to do. With the new technology, one doesn't necessarily have to go to their 10 year reunion to find out what happeend to whom.  It's just a click away...and IM screen to connect.

After almost 10 years (okay 9 years) of never having seen each other, it was really cool to catch up and see how we've changed (in a good way). The hospitality was what I needed and it was good to hear that he has done well in his life and has met someone to spend the rest of his life with. Loved how we all just chilled and chatted about everything...the conversation among the three of us was effortless and endless.

It's days like this where I feel things are good.

Misunderstandings...apparently I read too much into silence...

There's so many thing I have to do. I really am feeling like I don't have much time here...In less than a month it'll all be focused on bridal stuff...then a month later, my trip to Europe. I still have so many errands to do before all these events and I feel really ill prepared. One day at a time though...that's how to handle it...one day at a time.

This Thursday, besides the gym. I'm definitely going to have to take the time and clean my room. It's a nightmarish mess in there. By the end of summer, I hope to have gone through clothes I no longer wear and have them stored appropriately. I also have to go through files and throw things out...

Maybe in June I'll ask for 3 nights off and focus on doing that after I get off work here at Cedars...maybe...but time just manages to fly by and the next thing you know, it's another month...I'm looking back and I just wish I could do more. Go out more, be more productive, etc. etc.

I'm feeling a lot better. Sleep does wonders....friends even better.

This weekend was very busy. Saturday I got up at 8am and went to the gym for that weight class. Damn, I was hurting (still am).  I then went back home and got ready b/c I had to meet up with the bridal party crew. Met up with them for lunch, then went to see the bride get fitted. She looked beautiful (of course). If I ever get married, I don't think I'll wear white. There was this woman at the store getting fitted. It was a gold/light bronze dress. Strikingly beautiful on her. Looked like a wedding dress, then we found out, she bought a bridesmaid dress instead. I would've never guessed. She looked magnificent.  After the fitting, I went to Coldstones for some coffee lovers ice cream...when I went to my car, found a freakin' ticket. $40 for a freakin' parking violation! Not surprisingly (and I seriously was looking for the sign) the sign was hiding behind a tree...so I didn't know I had only 90 minutes there. Oh well..because of that, I didn't go and get my nails done.

Met up w/ Trish at Acupulco (of course I end up going to El Torito first)! Finally got to the right restaurant. Shared dinner w/ Trish, Nikki and Gray...drank a bit...and had our meal paid for b/c Nikki had the hookup and we just had to pay for tip. I then went to the valley to hang out with K.

Sunday got up and headed to my aunt's place. I was meeting my mom there b/c we had plans to see some houses. Turned out two of my other aunts were coming by and they were having a BBQ. My aunt took me to her church. She was Catholic before, but converted. I believe she's Born Again. She asked if I wanted to go...I really didn't want to, but said "yes" cuz she's family. Went to church with her. It was interesting. I can see why she converted. I didn't like the message they were saying though. The congregation was mostly Filipinos, but there were a few Hispanics and white peeps there. The pastor started talking and would speak in Tagalog...and said something about Sept 11 and how the "white face" is no longer safe in the world and the "brown skin" is the new "in thing"...I wanted to get up and leave. It was so insulting to me. I disagreed on a lot of the things he was using to help his sermon. Basically his main point is that the devil is under us and we can wish him away b/c we are above the devil (ok, I can accept this) and to spread the word of Jesus Christ to those territories who don't know him..those that aren't born again (this bothers me too, having grown up Catholic, I don't go to mass hearing this type of talk at all -- especially about converting people to the "right religion"..I have something against this type of talk...it bothers me)...quite honestly, for most of the sermon I was either lost or disagreed. For a moment, I felt like he was just speaking to hear himself speak..and it didn't help that I no longer speak or understand too much Tagalog. I stood there watching and my aunt prayed for me...I started to tear up. I've never had anyone pray for me. Maybe my parents and grandmother, but never really outright infront of me.I stood there trying to hold my tears....

Honestly, I've been holding back a lot of pain inside. As successful as I am, I feel like a failure. I've worked so hard to put back all the broken pieces of myself a few years back, but I still feel like something is missing. I will admit that the recent events w/ Barcopa has got me feeling more vulnerable than usual. I am disappointed. As usual, I tend to internalize everything. Wondering what I did wrong to have this sudden change of heart? But I don't see anything....I wonder if I was needy, but if saying "I miss you and I hope to hang out with you this weekend" is needy..then I think that's f'd up.  I know I don't like someone easily. I rarely give my heart out, but I manage to always like the wrong person....and it's not like I'm choosing the same guys...at least I don't think so, but...wtf am i doing wrong? I choose guys that are "gentlemen" at first. They pay for the first date, they open doors, they seem interested in knowing more about you. Take Barcopa for example, he remembered conversations days before (letting me know he was paying attention), he'd text me every morning and if I text him, I'd get a reply usually less than 1 minute later. This time around I went for someone who had a degree. Someone who lived in a very nice area of town (I mean, with K, he was living w/ his mom when I first met him...with G, he had roommates, you get the drift)...here's this guy who seems to have his sh*t going for him, close to his parents (his parents are still married and he sees them every weekend)...and yet, somehow it failed. What am I doing wrong? I can't help but start feeling like it's me...I' m beginning to have a complex about this. I try to hold back my feelings...I don't open up easily any longer...I rarely cry...sh*t I won't even let myself dwell on anything too long...the moment I start feeling sad for me, I just push those feelings aside and move on, keep myself busy. But I am so getting tired of this. I do feel my heart has a breaking point and I'm trying really hard not to be jaded again. It took me years to finally get to where I felt really good about myself. That's a long time. It took me that long to finally let people in and get to know me again. It took me this long to being okay with being me...being single...being where I am...and I can feel myself closing up again. Retreating back to the negative thoughts of "i'm just not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, etc. etc." The thing is...this time around, I'm not turning to my friends. I just don't want them to see me this way. I don't want them to see me cry...because no one can help me here.  When I think about it, I had my doubts with Barcopa after one of our dates where he didn't meet me half way with the movie..it was his choice, period. I had doubts, but they were such petty things that I was willing to overlook it and actually wanted to learn more about him. But here we are.

This is how i'm feeling right now. I hope I don't stay here for too long. I hope I find my way out. I feel like I pray and pray and ask but it's hasn't been answered yet...or maybe it has. Maybe I'm meant to be alone in this world. So that whatever it is I'm suppose to do in this life, there won't be anyone to hold me back??

Well...it's almost 2am here and I need to get some zzzz in. Hopefully my next entry will be better....